Dear Lonely Girl,

I have gone through majority of my life feeling very alone. Like many people, desiring to love and be loved is a natural and wonderful thing, it's the way God created us. It only becomes a problem when obtaining that love and acceptance is through something on earth.

Many times when we feel lonely it's because we don't feel accepted. Acceptance is something that almost anyone desires to have but majority of the time, we look for it in the wrong places. We can find it in the eyes of our father, the applause of the crowd, the arms of a boy. Maybe even the amount of followers you have on social media or the amount of money in your bank account. Regardless of all these things, the main one I want to talk about with you today is finding  acceptance in the arms of boy. 

It's not always comfortable to be vulnerable about my struggles, and although there are many girls that don't struggle with or relate to this, I know that there are a lot who do. So lonely girl, this one's for you.

Most of my life I have struggled with finding my acceptance in guys. Many of us do it. Somewhere down the road, someone or something came along and broke you when they were supposed to take care of you. At some point, someone or something inflicted pain on you when you were vulnerable and trusting and for most of you ladies who struggle with this as well, it's most likely either because of your father or because of a boy. And because you held some sort of value to that love and acceptance, when it was gone or it was broken, it led you to seek that love and acceptance elsewhere.

Well take it from someone who has experienced this from both a father and a guy: the acceptance of a person, no matter who he is or what he means to you, it will never give you what you think it will. Let me explain.

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Like many young girls, I looked to my daddy for my acceptance. Am I beautiful? Am I interesting? Am I captivating? (If you haven't read the book Captivating, it's time.) And because of my fathers disinterest in my life, I saw all those questions to be answered with a big fat, NO. Because of this, I spent many years as a child seeking that acceptance from my father and without fail, daily I was left empty, unsatisfied and broken. A few years down the road my father actually decided to give up full rights to my sister and I and no longer wanted to be apart of our lives. That's when the dangers of finding my acceptance in my father became very evident. Because I had placed my acceptance in a flawed person, a human who will at some point fail me, I was broken. That rejection caused me to feel things that I would never wish upon anyone. I felt ugly, disgusting, annoying, overbearing, unloveable, unworthy, rejected and absolutely repulsive all at the same time.

Luckily because of the support system around me, I noticed my tendency from this point on to constantly search for my acceptance in guy after guy, and I had a great mother who opened my eyes to the fact that Jesus' acceptance is the one and only acceptance that is perfect and complete and unshaken. That God is the only person in the world that will not fail you and the only acceptance we should ever entrust our heart to. And no matter what guy it is, at some point he will fail you and if you look to him for your acceptance, you are just going to be left hurt and empty again.

Well.

I believed her and I changed. I no longer found my acceptance in guys and solely looked to Jesus to affirm me.. That is until I met someone special. After getting my life together and starting to experience God on a whole new level because I was constantly affirmed due to my acceptance now being found in Christ, I met someone who I saw as an amazing, God-fearing man. It's still funny to say this because I was the last person to ever think I would love someone, but I fell in love and was loved by this guy.. and I can honestly tell you that I was sure that I was going to marry him. We had talked about this a lot and because I did fully believe that he was going to be in my life forever, I gave him my full heart and loved him more than I thought I was even capable of. It was the best feeling I've ever felt and something that I can barely wait to experience again one day. But somewhere in the midst of trusting him and thinking that he wasn't leaving because I was going to have him for the rest of my life and also being so loved and treasured and showered with attention by this guy, I took my eyes off of Jesus and placed them right on him. Suddenly I no longer needed that attention from God because I was getting the same attention on earth, by someone who was seeking to love me in a godly way...

Well, if you didn't already see it coming we're not God, we're human. And we fail each other. And that's exactly what happened. We had started to look for our acceptance in one other and when life happened and when my vulnerability started to be used in ways I couldn't have imagined, because my hope wasn't in my beautiful, stable Savior, I continued to search for my acceptance in the wrong place and it absolutely tore me apart. I can't speak for him, but for me, just like I did with my father, I continued to search for that love and that acceptance in this boy for almost 2 years.. and because he's human and can't love me perfectly or give me the perfect acceptance, and because I couldn't step away from something so unhealthy because I was so desperate for him to love me the way he once did and to feel treasured by him the way I once did.. I was broken over and over again until earlier this year when I realized that I was so broken that there wasn't even anything left to break.

As much as I'd love to tell you that it ended there it didn't. As I was reading through my bible tonight, I came across a side-passage that talked about the story in John 4:4-30 where the Samaritan woman meets Jesus at the well. The passage talks about how this Samaritan woman had chased after acceptance in the arms of man after man her entire life and how, without fail, each man left her empty and unsatisfied. Because of this she couldn't be alone, so she just looked for another temporary high in the love of another man. And that's exactly what I did. It wasn't too long ago that one of my best friends confronted me who was worried about the pattern she was seeing in me. She noticed that I was acting in ways that I never did and was doing things that I didn't do before. And also that I was compromising on some of the values that I held so dear to my heart. How I'd make out with a guy one night and another the next. How I'd start to become close with one guy and if he couldn't give me the acceptance and temporary love that I needed that I would just find someone else who would who was not someone I really cared for. How I would be getting attention from one guy but really wanting the attention of another. The passage in my bible describes it this way:

"The acceptance of that person becomes a need. You cringe when you think about the possibility of rejection and loneliness. And acceptance can easily become your number one goal. You search and fight for it at all costs. You give up your values and compromise your beliefs, thinking that the payoff of acceptance will make it all worthwhile."

 Because God is faithful, He got my attention fairly quickly and I was able to realign my priorities and set my sights where they really needed to be. But even so, I was left with many regrets and a heart that was in much deeper pain than it had started out. Looking back now, I'm ashamed of the way i'd been living and wish that I could say that it didn't happen, but it did. I spent so much time grasping for any type of acceptance, regardless of what it took.. and it left me absolutely empty.

Now why am I telling you all this?

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALONE

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To those of you who are like me or even different, but struggle with finding your acceptance and your love from guys.. take it from me when I say that it's not worth it.

Think about it this way: When we were born, we were born into a sinful and flawed flesh. We are flawed and imperfect and at some point, man will fail you. So why are we putting our hope and acceptance in someone who is not capable of having perfect judgement or is not capable of perfect love? It sounds quite silly when you think about it. That we run after these guys who are 100% destined to fail us at some point in their lives.. that we seek our acceptance and our love from someone who isn't humanly capable of providing that for us? And that we keep hurting ourselves over and over by repeating this cycle when we already have someone who loves and accepts and treasures us deeply and will never ever fail us... Think about it. Why do we choose this when we don't have to suffer any longer?

Know this.

Our acceptance is only fully found in and able to be completely treasured by the one and only person in the universe who is perfect in all of His ways and loves each and every one of us with a perfect, overpowering, overwhelming and unshakable love, and that is Jesus Christ!

The passage in my bible goes on to say this:

"God girl, you must know that no man on earth will accept you the way that you want to be accepted. God saves that job for himself. It's a dangerous thing to place all your hope in a guy when God is the only one who was meant to be your hope and to hold your heart. The love of the right guy can be a wonderful thing, but when he becomes your reason for living or the master of your feelings or actions, he has replaced God as the master of your soul. In Jesus we find all the love and acceptance that we need, and once you accept that, then and only then will you be able to accept the love of a guy and put it in the proper place in your life."

In Jesus we are always accepted. In Jesus we are always loved. In Jesus we are always completed. In Jesus we can always find shelter and comfort. In Jesus we will always be treasured. In Jesus we will always find freedom. In Jesus we will always experience kindness and gentleness. In JESUS, we are beautiful and affirmed and no man on this earth could ever take that away.

It is time to set aside this pursuit and this awful habit of searching for love and acceptance in the men around you. It is time to open our eyes to love of Christ and to seek that love and acceptance from the only person that is fully capable of providing that for you.

Am I saying that you shouldn't ever fall in love with a guy or date a guy? No, not at all. As long as we find our affirmation, not in the guy we're dating, or the man who's taking you on a date next week, or the man you're engaged to, or even the man you're married to.. But that we find that in Jesus Christ.

He loves you and wants to take care of you the right way.

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I know that there have been people that have hurt you and that have let you down.. But God never will. He doesn't want you to hurt and suffer anymore or feel like you aren't loved or accepted when that is the absolute farthest thing from the truth. He loves you so incredibly much and wants your heart to be treasured the way that He created it to be, and the only person that is able to do that is Him.

Let Him.