A few years back before I left for college, I remember looking back through old binders and folders that I had kept from middle school and high school. There were funny notes that I had passed with people in class, some great grades and some not-so-great grades.. and then I came across this paper. In a class my freshman year of high school we were asked to fill out a worksheet called "Dreams and Goals." After reading through and seeing what my freshman self dreamt about and strove for, it was amazing to see my answers and how everything had changed.. except for the last answer.

The question went like this: If you had one goal, one dream that you could work towards and achieve that would make you happy and completely satisfied, what would it be?

I was half-shocked at my freshman self/ half understanding when I read my answer to be,

If I had one goal, one dream that I could work towards and achieve, it would be that when it's my time and I face my judgement day, that God would look me in the eyes and tell me that He was proud of me.

This letter is based on this underlying truth in my life.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jesus,

This world is kind of rough sometimes. Half the time we're expected to know what we're supposed to be doing with our lives but in all reality, sometimes I don't have a clue what i'm doing. I'm supposed to be a light for you, i'm supposed to glorify you in my words and in my actions, but the fact of the matter is that i'm not perfect and my heart likes to wander. The fact of the matter is that no matter how hard I try, there are times that I fall and that sometimes this life gets the best of me. Sometimes I take my eyes off of you and place them on this world and suddenly my desires for the things of this world seem bigger than my desire for you and I fail..

But the real truth is that at the end of the day when I lay my head on my pillow before I go to sleep, there's nothing in this world that I could ever desire more than to love you and to make you proud of me. Although my flesh may desire this world, my soul and my Spirit crave nothing more than you and you alone. My entire life, no matter how many things failed me, no matter how many things went wrong, no matter how many people left or stayed, no matter how many times I was left disappointed and broken, there was one constant, there was one hope, there was one love, there was one unfailing fight for my heart and there was one person that protected me and loved me and never failed me, and that was you, Jesus! You have always been there, you have always loved me, you have always waited with open arms ready to protect me, heal me and fill me. And no matter what this world offers, no matter what grabs my attention, no matter what may temporarily grab the desire of my wandering heart, Lord, it's you. It's always you! At the end of the day, it's you I want, it's you I desire, it's you I want to know every day and to love on and be loved by every day! It's you that I trust, it's you that I want to fight for, it's you that I will follow to the ends of this earth, and if that means that the things that I love are gone, if that means that my spirit is crushed, if that means that I am beaten down to a point where all my run is, is a crawl to you God, I will do it because I love you. And I want to know you every day. I want to feel you and your presence and I want to live for something so much greater than myself, I want to live for you.

So Lord I not only ask for forgiveness for my sins and for my wandering heart, but I thank you that you love me so much that you died on the cross to save me from things just like this. That you bore my sins and my shame and willingly took on unbearable torture so that I wouldn't have to when in reality, that is the heavy and terrible burden that I should have to carry. Thank you that you are a strong and mighty tower and that I do not have to fear this world or fear the schemes of satan because I know that you love me and go before me and that your army of angels surrounds me as far as I can see on all sides of me as you lead me into victory! Thank you that by the name of Jesus, ALL things are possible and that you are a God of miracles and that you are a God of healing and deliverance and fulfillment.

So Lord I ask that you would mold me. That you would shape me and push me and sharpen me to be the child of God that in which you've created me to be! I ask that you would take my brokenness and my failures and that you would use them for your glory and that you would cover me in self control and discipline so that I may die to my flesh every day and solely walk in and live by your Holy Spirit. Lord in Psalms 145: 13-21 you tell me that,

The Lord supports everyone who falls.

He straightens ⌊the backs⌋ of those who are bent over.

The eyes of all creatures look to you,

and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand,

and you satisfy the desire of every living thing.

 The Lord is fair in all his ways

and faithful in everything he does.

 The Lord is near to everyone who prays to him,

to every faithful person who prays to him.

 He fills the needs of those who fear him.

He hears their cries for help and saves them.

The Lord protects everyone who loves him,

but he will destroy all wicked people.

 My mouth will speak the praise of the Lord,

and all living creatures will praise his holy name

forever and ever.

Let those around see me living by your Spirit, trampling the world underfoot, refusing the lies of the world, being transformed by a renewed mind, wearing the full armor of God, shining as an always burning light, and showing holiness in everything I do. I commit my self, soul, body, tasks and friends to you and I ask that you would not let evil enter my thoughts, words or hands. In everything I do let my affection be in Heaven, my gaze be fixed on unseen things and my eyes be open to the emptiness, fragility, and mockery of earth and it's pride.