I remember having a conversation with a friend towards the end of my sophomore year of college, who was older than I was and was getting ready to graduate. My favorite part about our relationship was that we would have a lot of deep conversations about life and about Jesus. We'd ask each other questions and push one another. He constantly poured wisdom into my life.

Something he said one day though has stuck with me very vividly for the last year.

He said this,

"I have never experienced more life in such a short amount of time than I have in college. The things I have learned in 4 years, the things I've done, the mistakes I've made, the knowledge i've gained is insane, and looking back at it all, I wish I knew so many things back then that I know now. I've learned so much, not just school wise, but just in life and relationships and it was because I failed so many times. I hate that I did, and i'm going to take what i've learned and grow from it, but I did, I made a lot of mistakes and I learned a lot. And syd, I know you've already experienced a lot in the last two years, but you will experience and learn more in the next 2 years then you could ever imagine."

Oh man. I don't think he meant to prophesy or anything in that moment but he sure nailed that one on the head. I sit here a little over a year later and am looking back at life thinking... "What the heck happened?"

((( stick with me people, i'm going somewhere with this )))

After he said that I remember at first being slightly defensive thinking "You don't know me!" haha, but then realizing he was older and had experienced two more years of college than I had so he's probably gotta know a bit more than I do. After that though, I remember being confused and wondering what he meant by that, and what life I was going to experience and learn from.

Welp...

Here's what I found.

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For those of you who have read my testimony (if you haven't you're more than welcome to check it out in the Testimony section), you know that I had a life changing experience with the Lord my junior year of high school when I went through something called Deliverance or other people know it as Freedom. I was set free from sicknesses that doctors couldn't explain, I had instant healing regarding major injuries in my body at the time, I was freed from the spirits of anxiety and depression and curses that had been placed over my life were broken and I no longer depended on medication or therapy. I had already been baptized in water but for those of you familiar with Acts, I went on to be baptized in the Holy Spirit and began to speak in tongues, and basically the Lord performed yet again, an incredible series of miracles in one sitting and it completely transformed my life and my relationship with God!

But here's the kicker.

....I think back to that moment and I think back to these last 3 years of college and i'm wondering how in the world I could experience something so incredible, so life changing, so mind shattering.. that my life in college could look the way that it's gone. 

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I could sit here and try to blame it on my circumstances. I have experienced more cruelty and heartbreak in the last 3 years that no one should ever have to go through. I can sit here and blame it on so many things, but at the end of the day i'm stuck with the fact that I am in love with Jesus Christ and have striven to serve and glorify Him the absolute best I can. I have willingly chosen to dedicated my life to Him and I have accepted the responsibility of the platform He has given me and done everything I can to try to lead people closer to Jesus. My entire life I have seen and experienced miracles and i've seen the Lord do things no one on earth could explain..

Yet,

 I still fell. I still sinned. I still let my heart look elsewhere instead of the Lord. I still made mistakes and didn't learn from them and made them again. I still continued in sin even after God confronted me about it. I still gave into the lies of satan instead of believing the truth. I still looked to the world to fix my brokenness when i've known my whole life, only the Lord can do that. I still let my emotions dictate my actions over my Spirit. I still cowered down in fear and gave up instead of taking up the armor of the Lord and fighting. I still had periods of time where I left my bible unopened on my dresser. I still ignored God and His answers to my prayers when He very clearly gave me an answer, but I just didn't like it. I still fell.

I still failed.  

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Maybe it's just me, but don't a lot of us feel that way?

Don't a lot of us have these moments where we look back on our life and think, "What the heck happened?"

I know I do! 

One minute we're on fire for God and even though we do love Him, even though we know Him and know how we should approach the storms in our lives, when the waves come and go, sometimes we look back at the wreckage left behind and realize we gotta swallow the fact that we failed. We really did.

Am I encouraging any of the actions I listed above? Absolutely not. But does that make me or any of you who have done these things a failure? NO. And i'm telling you that anyone reading this who believes that about themselves needs to know that is an absolute lie from satan and not anywhere near the truth of the Lord.

What it does make us is human. What it does make us is imperfect. And what it does make us is someone absolutely in need of saving.

And thank God that we have the perfect Savior for that.

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I had a vision from the Lord about starting this blog my junior year of high school not thinking anyone would read it. Suddenly the Lord almost started a ministry through it and started to build this platform of thousands and thousands of people reading and watching me. At first, being the unenlightened high schooler that I was, I accepted that role instantly from the Lord and ran with it thinking I had seen all these miracles and had all this wisdom and surely nothing could stand in my way of the Lord because I loved Him and my fire could not be burned out.

I wish you could hear me laughing right now as I write this, I can literally picture the Lord up there getting a nice giggle out of that. Because flashback to these last couple of months of finding myself on my floor, in tears, begging the Lord to help me understand why He would pick me. Why He would ever put me on this platform (that He singlehandedly built for me, none of it was me). Why He would choose ME... Me! to be an example or to represent Him. Especially when He knew I would fall so hard. Especially when He knew I would fail so many times. Especially when I am so flawed!! 

"But now, O LORD, You are our Father, We are the clay, and You our potter; And all of us are the work of Your hand." -Isaiah 64:8

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23

I still don't know why God would place me in the position that i'm in when He and I both know I am the farthest thing from a "perfect" Christian. There are thousands of you reading this right now and some of you who follow me on instagram and have seen me publicly and openly speak about the Lord, and probably expect that if I do that I have to know exactly what i'm doing. That I am supposed to walk perfectly and never make a mistake. I tried! Trust me. I wanted so badly to be that for you guys! But if there is any reason the Lord has picked me to speak to you all regardless of the fact that I am so undeserving to represent the Lord and regardless of the fact that I have fallen and failed while genuinely loving the Lord so many times, it's to tell you what this imperfect, 21 year old girl knows and has learned. And that's this:

Following Jesus is hard.

It's SO worth it!

But loving and serving Jesus Christ at this age and in this time and in this fallen world is not easy, and things will be thrown your way that you never expected to happen, and you know what.. at some point, we're all going to fall. We're all going to fall short of the glory of the Lord.

But if there's anything the Lord has taught me is that, no matter how much the world tries to use your imperfection to label you as a failure, no matter how many times the waves come and go and you look back and realize you did not handle life the way you should have, no matter how broken you are, how lost you are, how unworthy you feel...

Jesus LOVES you.

HE ADORES YOU.

Will we all have to deal with the consequences of our actions? Absolutely. 

"For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil." - 2 Corinthians 5:10

But nothing, not a mistake, not a decision, no matter how far you have gone, no matter how dirty you feel, no matter how long and far you have or will run from the Lord, knowingly or unknowingly, NOTHING can separate us from His love and His mercy and His kindness.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."

-John 3:16-17

"What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”)  No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.  No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:31-39

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I've got these two best friends that I very much respect and look up to who walk in the obedience of the Lord like i've never seen. Something I definitely strive for. And I mean these girls are thriving! They are rockstars for the Lord! Like absolutely receiving the blessings that are promised as we walk in accordance to the will of God.

And what an encouragement that is! Don't we all want that? Aren't some of you like me where you are tired of not reaping blessings? Aren't you tired of being tired, of having the Lord having to knock you down a notch or have things in your life taken away before we realize living this life without the Lord is so empty and it dries your bones and your Spirit and your joy? Aren't some of you tired of living paralyzed by fear or depression or anxiety? 

Well. 

I just feel like the Lord wants me to speak to you all today and tell you that you're not alone. I'm with you. I have people who admire my relationship with the Lord and look up to me and I fall guys, I miss the mark. And I got tired. I got beaten down by life without the Lord... and I almost stayed there. I almost stayed there, paralyzed by the fact that I have made many mistakes and that I "wasn't fit to be a Christian."

And the Lord told me to get up. 

Because none of that was true. And the truth is that Jesus loves and treasures us, He stands in awe of us, flaws and all. The truth is that Jesus died on the cross and bore our sins so that we might be forgiven and be able to walk in freedom! The truth is that God yearns for a deep, intimate relationship with us!! He created and designed us perfectly so that we would have this place inside of us that only He could fill and complete! So when we run, when we sin, when we fall and when we fail, yes, we do have to own up to and deal with our consequences. But that doesn't make Jesus love you any less!! I don't care if you think you are the worst person to ever walk the earth, this guy is so in love with you, you mean so much to Him that He is waiting back at the house, porch lights on, dinner on the table set for two, staring out the door waiting for you to come home so He can embrace you with His incredible presence!!

The Lord tells us,

"Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High     will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,     my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you     from the fowler’s snare     and from the deadly pestilence. He will cover you with his feathers,     and under his wings you will find refuge;     his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart. You will not fear the terror of night,     nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,     nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side,     ten thousand at your right hand,     but it will not come near you.

 You will only observe with your eyes     and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”     and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you,     no disaster will come near your tent.  For he will command his angels concerning you     to guard you in all your ways;  they will lift you up in their hands,     so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.  You will tread on the lion and the cobra;     you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

 “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;     I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.  He will call on me, and I will answer him;     I will be with him in trouble,     I will deliver him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him     and show him my salvation.” -Psalm 91

You are enough.

Flaws and failures and screws up and all, YOU are enough.

Don't let satan fool you into believing that your mistakes, many or few, make you any less of a Christian or any less loved by Jesus Christ because that is not true. If you are tired..

Run back to Him.

Repent and ask for forgiveness and ACCEPT IT. Choose to believe that in Jesus Christ you are loved, adored, affirmed, accepted, protected, mighty, purified and forgiven.

"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." Ephesians 2:8-9

" If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

"Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord," Acts 3:19

And get back in the word!!!!

I had been so far from my bible and from truth that all I was doing was receiving lie after lie about myself and about God that I forgot who He is! I forgot who I am in Him! I forgot about the power that I have in the midst of my trials with God by my side. Satan fooled me. And he has probably fooled some of you to. But at some point, you've gotta stand up and rebuke him and tell him to get his hands off of you in the name of Jesus, because you are a child of God and satan has no authority over you!! And then get in the Word of the Lord, guys.

It's so important that in a world where we are fed so many lies and so much corruption that we make sure we are taking the time to be refilled with truth! Without the Word of the Lord, all we hear is the world and, I don't know about you, but it definitely did not work out well for me. Find people that love the Lord, find people who are just doing life right and surround yourself with them!

A lot of the reason that I have fallen so many times is that although I love the Lord and He is all I need to be sustained, we were flawed and human, and sometimes you need a support system around you. Sometimes you need people to give you the accountability to walk out in truth and to help you identify any lies in your life that satan may have been able to sneak in. I have never been more convicted that we can't always do things on our own, sometimes we need help. We need to be surrounded by people who are on the same mission as we are. 

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize." 1 Corinthians 9:24

Lets win the race guys.

Lets get back to running.

Let's turn away from the lies satan has fed you about not being worthy, or good enough or a failure, and accept God's forgiveness and love and lets RUN. Like we never have before.

2 Peter 3:9 “The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

Ezekiel 18:21-23 "But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live. Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked, declares the Lord GOD, and not rather that he should turn from his way and live?"

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deut. 31:8

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Let's take these failures and learn from them and run them straight to the Lord so that He can make it something beautiful! So that He can bring absolute glory out of our downfalls.

Hopefully that's what He's doing right now with this post!

Hopefully sharing my downfalls with you will show you that you're not alone, that you are desired and loved beyond belief, that you are never too far gone for the Lord. Hopefully it shows you that God can use even His most flawed and broken to bring His kingdom glory. You're not alone out there, flawed believer. 

Thank God we have such a mighty Cornerstone that will always save us, that will never leave or forsake us, and that is already preparing myself and each and every one of you for absolute glory.

What a cool God we serve.