“& we back & we back” (You know I gotta show Chance some love)

Well, the last time I wrote was a little over a month ago and man.. If God has shown me anything over the last 5 years, it’s definitely been just how much you can learn in such a short period of time.

This healing time has been incredible. I say incredible overall which is true, but that definitely doesn’t mean that there haven’t been some really low and hard moments. My guy (s/o Jesus) and I have gone through many different seasons of healing in my life but nothing quite like this one. This one has taken a lot more time and has addressed a lot of doubts, even some I had to dig up that I hadn’t dealt with as a kid going through all that I did. But WOW has the Lord been faithful through it all.

Today was a rough one, there’s a lot going on at work and also some personal stuff that came up today — so naturally, I came home and poured a glass of red wine and turned on a bubble bath (I might be the most predictable person on earth). In the middle of watching Netflix, I just felt a little tug at my heart for a moment with the Lord. I shut my laptop and closed my eyes and for a moment I just took a deep breath and let it all out.. and there He was - as always, since the first time that I ever called on Him at 6 years old, there was His presence. And I just sobbed. Hahaha I could not stop thanking Him that I was ok. This wasn’t my first rodeo of pain and I’d been reminding myself for a long time to keep pushing through and staying strong because one day I knew I would wake up and I would be ok. And suddenly it just dawned on me at that moment, in His presence that I was.. I was ok. There may have been a lot going on today.. but I was ok. My heart was ok. My mind was at peace. My Spirit was filled with joy once again. Tonight the Lord reminded me what it’s like to heal in HIM. How complete and lasting His healing was compared to the many things that I had run to in the past. I thought back over the course of my life.. to the little girl who made it out of actual hell. To the day that I was baptized and the day I was baptized in the Holy Spirit. The day I started my blog. The days I cried in my friend's arms over and over because of the fact that the Lord kept growing my blog and I did not want to have the following and the pressure that came with it. And in no way did I want to be vulnerable with all of those people. The day I finally stepped up to the plate and stepped into what I thought was “my destiny.” And then I thought back to the day soon after that I was broken deep. And then broken again. And then again. Until I was the girl that couldn’t get out of bed and almost dropped out of college. I went from the confident, overachieving, successful girl, always on the tv screen, making straight A’s, the person people looked to for advice and wisdom about the Lord to (for a moment) the girl that could barely hold on to her own faith, let alone her own life..

It’s so funny how the Lord works, isn’t it? At that point, I never once thought that could be one of the greatest things to happen to me.

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A fun fact about me, I’m that girl in church that feels the Holy Spirit and like can’t help but silently sob. Every time people are probably wondering what the heck is wrong with me but I’ve never cared because that’s my time with my GUY! People laugh when I say that but I honestly don’t know what else to say. I’ve been alone majority of my life, and I don’t just mean single. The Lord called me to take a lonely road a long time ago and man, He has never once left my side. Through some of the hardest moments of my childhood and some of the most horrifying moments of college, I just had to call on the name of Jesus and there He was. I can’t tell you the number of times I kept repeating in my head, “Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus” until I felt His arm surround me.. and He did. He held me through some of the most excruciating moments of my life.

I think that’s why this time took me so long to heal and why I walked out of this 4-year long storm confused and crushed as ever. My last year of college was the first time I really pushed the Lord and came to Him with all of my doubts, but it was also the first time I truly started healing. For the longest time, I couldn’t understand how I could feel the Lord’s presence during some of the worst moments of my life and know that He cared for me yet He didn’t do anything to stop people from hurting me. It’s been quite the journey — I still don’t have all the answers and I probably never will but there’s more coming soon on this for my next blog. (so stay tuned my friends)

Haha, I always go into these thinking I’m gonna write something light-hearted and possibly funny for you guys but it honestly seems like every time the Lord is like nah, I’ve got something else for you tonight.

I don’t know who out there is reading this but I hope that something I’ve written helps to you to not feel so alone tonight. I hope that something I’ve written gives you a little more encouragement to face what’s ahead.

Satan’s constantly going to try to convince you that life is too hard, or the pain is too much, the problems are too big and God’s love doesn’t cover you and WHOOOO… literally, nothing gets me more fired up than hearing that satan is trying to mess with those who are broken. I’ve been broken. More times than I can count. And I promise you, that love of Jesus is so wide, and so strong, and so mighty and so powerful that nothing you ever do could destroy that overwhelming love for you! You are His BEAUTIFUL, perfectly crafted creation and He is PROUD to call you His. NEVER forget that. And never let satan convince you otherwise. Gosh is he annoying. Literally, just think of him like a flea. When satan comes knockin’ on your door and tries to whisper in your ear, you just flick him right off your shoulder and grab your imaginary shoe or your toilet paper or whatever you use and you squish him like a bug cause that guy has no power in your life or mine and it’s time for him to GO. We ain’t got time for all that mess.

Hahaha, in all seriousness I really do love yall. Keep bein’ you and keep shinin’ a little light! Lord knows we all need it.

Sweet dreams everyone! -syd