I've recently started dating again. 

It's been an interesting road. To be honest, it's been a scary one.

To those of you who are new here, to give you some background, my dating history could be described as nothing short of a disaster. I fell in love with a man who became my worst nightmare - someone who purposefully used my vulnerability to hurt me daily. After getting away from it, I had been broken so deeply and my personality had been berated so intensely that I unconsciously started choosing men who deep down I knew were not good enough for me but I knew that they wouldn't try to get to know me very well. I was so afraid to ever let someone in like that again - to ever let someone have that power over me - to ever let someone know me so well that they could use my emotions to manipulate and abuse me. So I chose ones that didn't ask me the deep questions - the ones who knew the general me but didn't know the real me, didn't know my hopes, my fears, and my dreams.

Reading that now, I am laughing because that was clearly the worst idea of all time and in no circumstance would there be a way that this plan would end well.. but sometimes pain can make you do some crazy things. And unfortunately like in my case, when you don't talk to anyone about what you're going through and instead bury your feelings and deal with it all alone, you're not being fed any truth. A lot of times pain can make something so outrageous suddenly make so much sense. That's what happens when satan's whispers are the only thing being put in your ear - when there's no one you love and trust to help you navigate through them.

Unfortunately, because I decided that burying my pain from that initial relationship instead of dealing with it was the way to go, I attracted and went for all the wrong kinds of people - the liars, the cheaters, the manipulators, the ones that didn't try very hard but did enough to make you stay, the fratstars, the cocky personalities, and the ones that pretend to have your morals but ultimately wanted one thing - to get in your pants.

After a lot of bad dating and a lot believing old lies from that relationship that "I wasn't good enough" and that "no one would ever love me like he did," I entered my final relationship. I knew that I wouldn't ever marry him but we had a lot of fun together. We laughed a ton and that's one of my favorite things. Because I had such serious and intense relationships before, this was a breath of fresh air and I ignored all the red flags because it was just nice to be enjoyed by someone. Delighted in even! I don't know about you but there's nothing that makes my heart light up quite like knowing that the person you're with adores and delights in you. Something I've at least not found much in my life and after that relationship is something I look for.

Ultimately, I ended up finding out that he cheated on me with multiple people and clearly the guy had to go. After truly noticing the years of bad dating and years of taking psychology classes (go figure) I realized that there was something wrong that I had to deal with.

I stopped going out, stopped dating, honestly ended relationships and friendships with most of the guys in my life besides a solid few and decided that if I couldn't heal for myself, I wanted to heal for my future husband. I wanted my life and relationships to reflect something that he would respect one day and I didn't want to enter into a relationship with someone any longer hoping that he would heal something that only the Lord could. 

A few months later I found out that all of my ex's were all going to be in my town at the same time. I knew that if I was there that weekend that someone would reach out to me or go to the same places and I just couldn't deal with them at the time. I confided in one of the only guys left that I was in contact with who I trusted deeply and he recommended I go away to a different school for the weekend. For those of you that do keep up with my blog, that was the weekend that this friend drugged and raped me.

This was the day that I fully broke.. but broke in a different way. This time I couldn't pretend anymore. This time I couldn't hold it together. All my life I've been a performer - between cheer and dance and everything I was involved in, I learned how to read expectations from anyone and everyone and become exactly who my audience wanted me to be and that's exactly what I had been doing. I had been a chameleon of sorts for years and I finally couldn't fake it anymore.

By the grace of God, I had just been filling myself with so much of the world up until this point that I didn't want any of it anymore. It did nothing but destroy me and all I wanted was Jesus, I couldn't repeat anything in my head but the name of Jesus.

After this everything changed. I stopped drinking. I stopped going out. I stopped being alone and forced myself around people. Forced myself to talk to the people in my life who I knew loved me. Forced myself to see a counselor. Forced myself to repeat the truth from scripture over and over every morning until I believed it..

I'm not going to lie to yall, it was not easy. There are times that it's still not easy. I repeated those things for months. For months I had triggers from that last night that would hit me like a truck out of nowhere. It's been a long process...

But there's something different about healing in Jesus. Everything hurts but this time you have hope. You know the world's let you down but you know that you're in the hands of the ultimate protector who goes before you and leads you to victory as you cling to Him. After being numb for so long and going through so many moments of not really being there, you become so grateful for the tears and the emotions and the moments of pain because you realize that every time you feel and allow yourself to heal, you take another step towards taking your life back and telling satan to buzz off.

I've started dating again.

And it's been hard for me..

But it's also been pretty beautiful honestly.

To see the way the Lord heals. To see the way the Lord redeems. The way he restores.

Even the way He throws in a little humor. 

I've recently been going on dates with a very kind, incredible man.

Over the last 2 years my prayer has always been that I would be attracted to a completely different kind of guy.. but then I would pause and start to take it back because I know that I'm attracted to confidence and passion. Someone who strives for the extraordinary but also doesn't do it in the way that everyone tells them to or the way they're "supposed to do it." Those are all things so important to me personally and things I hope to be important to someone I'm dating but have always resulted in bad relationships. Everyone always told me that if I wanted a good relationship that I'd have to find someone the complete opposite of who I dated before. So there have been many times over the years that I've shaken my head and said, "Welp, good luck with that God. I don't know how you're going to pull off both of those things."

I don't know whether or not this is the guy at the end of it all, only God does. But what I do know is that I haven't ever quite had the respect for anyone else that I have for him.

In the past, I had guys with confidence that was borderline cockiness and really a cover up for a lot of insecurity. I had passionate, but about things that did not matter in the grand scheme of life. I had people who talked extraordinarily but never quite backed up their words and goals. I had people who didn't do things the way they were supposed to, but out of rebellion and as a way to run from their insecurities.

I'm not saying this guy is perfect, none of us are. But even in my short time of knowing him, he has taught me a lot. Even from our first date, the way he opened the car and restaurant door, the way he went for the check, the way he talked to our waiter, it was confident but it wasn't prideful or boastful like I had seen before.. it was kind. He was confident and bold while also gentle and light. That was not something I had seen from dating before. I was used to aggressive, not welcoming.

For so many years I thought something was wrong with me for falling for the guys that I did. I know many of you have messaged me worried about the same thing that you've seen in yourself.

It's been really cool to process all of this with God over these last 2 years - to hand him my future relationships, unsure of what even to be praying for but just saying, "I trust you" - and Him taking it and saying, "I'm the one that designed you to be attracted to these types of qualities.. but now that I'm the one taking the reins, lets make some adjustments so that you can see the full picture of what I have meant for you."

Now I am able to see confidence but on the foundation of humbleness. Passion but for something that truly makes a difference in this world. Someone that dreams big and talks extraordinarily and backs it up with every fiber of his being. Someone who challenges but does it lovingly, gently and in an effort to make earth look a little more like Heaven.

I've been able to open up to about my past and my pain and in the midst of my shame, I was met with love instead of degradation.

It has been quite the change.

I sit here tonight in awe of a God that honestly continues to prove me wrong in the absolute best way.

I don't know what will happen with this guy. I'm very excited about him though. Either way, I'm very thankful for him and I'm thankful for this season that the Lord has allowed me to experience.

I guess the point of my writing to you all today is that I know what it's like to feel hopeless. I know what it's like to feel like you're too far gone or that there are situations in your life that seem so painful that there could be no way that they would turn around.

But the Lord says,

“Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” - Revelation 21:5

"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." - Peter 5:10

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

The Lord has bigger plans for your life then you could even imagine.

Whether that's in dating or something completely different, the Lord's plans mightily exceed those that we settle for on our own.

No matter where you've been or what you've done or what you've experienced, there is NOTHING that can separate you from the Lord's love. Nothing.

He has incredible plans to restore you, heal you, love on you and delight in you.. all you have to do is run to Him. 

If there is anything that I am absolutely sure of in my life it is that the Lord continuously brings beauty out of the most horrific and heart-wrenching situations.. and He wants to do the same for you.

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This month especially, this time of dating differently has been such an incredible reminder of the Lord's kindness, which tends to be forgotten about in the midst of pain. The way that this kindness has been displayed to me through this person I've been dating makes me want to go be that person and that reminder in as many lives as humanly possible. That is such a special quality and something that has been so wonderful to experience. To have someone who makes you want to be better and want to press on towards greater heights instead of someone who diminishes you and makes you want to apologize for being who you are.

There is a big difference..

And I know some of you heard that and know exactly what I'm talking about.. and I really hope for those of you who do, that something in this tugged at your heart today.

Love you guys!

-syd