Recently, I went back and read some journal entries I had written to the Lord almost a year ago. The reason these letters stuck out to me so much was because I wrote them in the midst of the unknown - when I had absolutely no clue what the Lord was doing or what my future held. During this time, I was in counseling where I began to address the trauma from my past and the sexual violence I had experienced a little over a year before. 2 weeks prior to this letter, I was informed about the death of my biological father who was not a good man - bringing up a lot of childhood trauma that had never been addressed as well.

I’m posting this letter specifically because I remember being here last year. I remember how shattered and defeated I was and just how much was going on.. and to read these and realize the hope the Lord gave me during that time.. wow. To see all that He brought me through and to remember how He provided the rest I needed to take on life now..

We serve a great God.. a faithful one. One that provides. One that heals. One that cares.

Below is the first of a 3-part blog series on these letters to the Lord last year.

I hope it encourages you. I hope it pushes you. I hope it makes you feel a little less alone. I hope it inspires you to share what the Lord’s done in your life and to extend more grace and love to those around you. Even more so, I hope it draws you closer to the Lord today. Pt. 2 coming soon.

Journal Entry

April 20, 2019

“ …..

Honestly, all of this doesn’t even matter in the grand scheme of things. Lord, I love you and I’m so sorry I’ve been avoiding you. I really haven’t meant to, you know me and the way I’ve always dealt with things.. I don’t know why I’m still putting up these emotional walls. I’m really working on it, I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to be far from you.

Thank you for the opportunities you’ve presented to me recently and for the ways you’ve used me. The testimony blog and the podcast have touched a lot of people and you know how much that means to me. I’m not myself when I’m not being used by you and I’m not touching the hearts of other people. Thank you for the hard and painful but necessary and joyous time of healing and the rest that you’ve given me after everything these past couple of years. Thank you for these 7 months of pulling me back, clearing my life, placing me in the right environments, with the right counsel, and providing me with a period of time without waves so that I could address all that’s happened and my heart could have time to rest and heal. Thank you for this time of strengthening me and teaching me better habits so that my mind could be clear and emotionally sound so that I could boldly face this next chapter that You’ve presented. I didn’t realize how much I needed that time.

Thank you for choosing to go to the cross for me and for all of your children. Thank you that you’ve provided a way for us to live here on the earth in freedom. Free of condemnation, free to come to you for forgiveness. Free to come to you for our love, our comfort, and our purpose. Thank you for choosing me even when I haven’t always chosen you. Thank you for wanting a close relationship with me and for pulling me close in every single moment that I’ve needed you and called on Your name. Thank you that because of your sacrifice, I have the opportunity to wipe the past clean and to walk in a new light. Because of your sacrifice, I no longer have to walk in guilt and shame but get to tell satan that he’s a liar, and I am who YOU say I am - loved, chosen, redeemed, mighty, pure, beautiful, strong, desired, and adored. Because of your sacrifice, I get to speak directly to you and get to join you in Heaven one day. Thank you that through all of this heartbreak, you have been there with me in every moment, especially when I didn’t have anyone. You have been the only constant throughout my entire life and without you, I wouldn’t have been able to do it. 

Lord, I’m not really sure what’s next. Actually, everything about my future is pretty unclear at the moment. From my vantage point right now, I can’t see what you’re doing.. and honestly I just don’t understand why (replacement: “these things”) would ever be a part of your plan… Help me to continue to trust you even when I can’t see. Help me to love you and praise you in the moments that beat me down. Continue to show me how to meet you in what you’re doing and to join you in the ways that you’re moving in this world. Please continue to provide me with the strength I need to face each day and equip me with your Spirit so I might walk in wisdom and discernment in everything I do. Provide me with the tools I need to fight for those who can’t fight for themselves and to bring hope in the lives of those who feel hopeless. Please don’t ever stop providing me with opportunities to love on your people and to be there with those in the dark - with those that feel lost and alone. Keep me low and help my love and fire for you and others to always outweigh my love for myself. Never stop making me uncomfortable by pushing me out of my comfort zone and asking me to walk in unfamiliar territory… that is painful and honestly super annoying in the process (lol), but ultimately strengthens and refines me and establishes a deeper understanding and love for you as I learn how to lean on you, rely on you, and trust you more and more. 

I love you, Lord. Please don’t ever stop lighting that fire in me for You. Show me how to love like You more and more each day. Continue to reveal more and more of Your true character to me. Thank you for your sacrifice and for loving me so much that you went to the cross for me. Thank you that You’re moving even when I can’t see.

I love you,

-syd