I AM SPEAKING UP
I've wanted to write this post for awhile now but satan has used a lot of fear and a lot of people to keep me from doing it.
Over the last several months of praying and asking the Lord whether or not I should write this, the Lord has revealed a multitude of things as well as placed me in many situations that have caused a deep fury and righteous fire to develop within me. Not only that but He has also placed many women and men in my life over the last few months who have shared their stories about what has happened to them and I no longer am able to keep silent.
So before I dive into this topic, I am going to tell you my story. There is not even close to enough education and information out there about this topic and I hope that through this I might be able to speak to those who have been affected similarly and also to help prevent even one person from experiencing what I have.
I would ask that you would deal with the information I am about to share delicately and with the respect that it deserves.
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My fire for this topic started a long time ago.. but what most don't know about me and what ultimately was my breaking point was that within my time in college, I was drugged and raped. Only about 7 people in my life knew this but before people who know me start to speculate who is was, I can assure you that you would have no idea who it was because no one would ever have suspected him. I definitely didn't. And this also did not happen at Baylor. It was a close friend who I trusted and who very clearly knew my boundaries. Now, I have made my fair share of mistakes in college and I will be honest, purity has been a fight for me over the years.. but he was very aware and knew my heart's desire to fight to wait until marriage and even had expressed a huge respect for it over the years. I always felt safe with him and not once had the thought that I would need a guard up around him, if anything I actually was confident that he would be looking out for me or would protect me.
One night when I was out, my friend handed me a drink but knew I wasn't around a ton of company who had my best interest so afterwards I switched to water and never got past the point of a buzz. Earlier in the night before we went out he had tried to make an advance on me and I shut that down very quickly. I very specifically and sternly said that was not going to happen. I remember seeing his reaction and how clenched his jaw was and thinking that it was weird but he pulled away and said ok and apologized so I chalked it up to him just being intoxicated and I didn't think anything else of it. Everything was going fine and I was drinking my second glass of water in my hand when all of the sudden the room started to get fuzzy and things started twisting and turning.
Now, like I always tell you guys, I am not a perfect person and I will never claim to be a perfect Christian woman. We are all human and I have made my fair share of mistakes that the Lord has since redeemed and I have had my downfalls and will always admit to them, but this was not one of them. I've known the feeling of being drunk and this was not it. All of the sudden the sounds around me started to become distorted and I felt like I wasn't able to stand. I felt my heart drop and I knew something was horribly wrong so I rushed to my phone and the last thing that I did was text someone "help somethings wrong." It felt like it all happened in an instant but I remember immediately after sending that everything on my phone started to become deformed and I felt this overwhelming heaviness and dizziness and then everything went black.
The next thing I remember is waking up in his bed, without clothes on. I sat up and it felt like I was drunk. I was horribly confused and everything was wobbly and I just had this extreme pain in my head. I couldn't focus or think, I was struggling to be able to concentrate, my head was just ringing. I had to pee and I stumbled trying to get to the restroom which has never, ever happened before. For a second I sat there trying to understand what was going on and why I was feeling like this. It wasn't until I wiped and realized that I had woken up bleeding that I understood something was wrong. I looked down and had bruises all over the inside of my thighs and got to the mirror and realized I had them on my sides as well.
I had not asked to have sex. I did not want it. I clearly stated I did not want it.
I did everything I could to try to hold it together and pretend like everything that had happened, hadn't happened.
.....
But, I was broken.
Actually no, my heart was shattered.
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4: 8-12; 16-17
Over the last 5 years I have experienced, seen, heard about from others, and witnessed acts of sexual harassment and the violence of rape and sexual assault. I have personally gone through and dealt with the effects physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually within myself and in others.
What I, as well as multiple people who have experienced this, both men and women, have come to understand is that we were not nearly educated enough if at all about this topic and had no idea it was something we would have to be aware of or look out for. Especially for those growing up in a Christian environment, a lot of times topics like these are avoided or not discussed. I truly believe that we go through things in order to be able to understand and relate to those who are going through the same issues, those who are crushed and broken and don't know where to go or who to look to.
I am quite confident that majority of you reading are probably not even aware of what exactly sexual assault is or how common it actually is, so before I dive into what I have to say about this i'd like to lay out some clear definitions of what I am talking about.
The definitions of these are:
Sexual harassment is defined by law and includes requests for sexual favors, sexual advances or other sexual conduct when (1) submission is either explicitly or implicitly a condition affecting academic or employment decisions; (2) the behavior is sufficiently severe or pervasive as to create an intimidating, hostile or repugnant environment; or (3) the behavior persists despite objection by the person to whom the conduct is directed.
Examples of these are:
Unwanted personal attention: Letters, telephone calls, visits, pressure for sexual favors, "eye-groping", pressure for unnecessary personal interaction and pressure for dates where a sexual/romantic intent appears evident but remains unwanted.
Unwanted physical or sexual advances: Touching, hugging, kissing, fondling, touching oneself sexually for others to view, sexual assault, intercourse or other sexual activity.
Sexual assault is any type of sexual activity or contact that you do not consent to. Sexual assault can happen through physical force or threats of force or if the attacker gave the victim drugs or alcohol as part of the assault. Sexual assault includes rape and sexual coercion. It is a form of sexual violence which includes rape (forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault), groping, child sexual abuse or the torture of the person in a sexual manner
Lets also dabble in the definition of consent.
Consent is a clear “yes” to sexual activity. Not saying “no” does not mean you have given consent. Sexual contact without consent is sexual assault or rape.
Your consent means:
You know and understand what is going on (you are not unconscious, blacked out, asleep, underage, or have an intellectual disability). You know what you want to do. You are able to say what you want to do or don’t want to do. You are aware that you are giving consent (and are not impaired by alcohol or drugs).
Sometimes you cannot give legal consent to sexual activity or contact — for example, if you are:
Threatened, forced, coerced, or manipulated into agreeing Not physically able to (you are drunk, high, drugged, passed out, or asleep) Not mentally able to (due to illness or disability) Under the age of legal consent, which varies by state(link is external)
Remember:
Consent is an ongoing process, not a one-time question. If you consent to sexual activity, you can change your mind and choose to stop at any time, even after sexual activity has started. Past consent does not mean future consent. Giving consent in the past to sexual activity does not mean your past consent applies now or in the future. Saying “yes” to a sexual activity is not consent for all types of sexual activity. If you consent to sexual activity, it is only for types of sexual activities that you are comfortable with at that time with that partner. For example, giving consent for kissing does not mean you are giving consent for someone to remove your clothes.
Sample, L. L., & Radar, E. C. (2017). Rape and domestic sexual assault. Oxford Handbooks Online. doi:10.1093/oxfordhb/9780190213633.013.5
And lastly before I continue, I briefly want to look at some statistics:
On average, there are 321,500 victims (age 12 or older) of rape and sexual assault each year in the United States. Ages 12-34 are the highest risk years for rape and sexual assault. 1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime As of 1998, an estimated 17.7 million American women had been victims of attempted or completed rape Females ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. Women ages 18-24 who are college students are 3 times more likely than women in general to experience sexual violence. Females of the same age who are not enrolled in college are 4 times more likely As of 1998, 2.78 million men in the U.S. had been victims of attempted or completed rape. About 3% of American men—or 1 in 33—have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. 1 out of every 10 rape victims are male.
Effects of Sexual Assault
94% of women who are raped experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) during the two weeks following the rape. 30% of women report symptoms of PTSD 9 months after the rape. 33% of women who are raped contemplate suicide. 13% of women who are raped attempt suicide. Approximately 70% of rape or sexual assault victims experience moderate to severe distress, a larger percentage than for any other violent crime. 84% of survivors who were victimized by an intimate partner experience professional or emotional issues, including moderate to severe distress, or increased problems at work or school. 79% of survivors who were victimized by a family member, close friend or acquaintance experience professional or emotional issues, including moderate to severe distress, or increased problems at work or school.
You can look at more of these statistics at https://www.rainn.org/statistics/victims-sexual-violence . Although majority of these statistics apply to women, there are also alarming statistics on men as well.
After this happened I went through so many stages of grief. I spent months in denial... I did everything I could to numb myself to avoid feeling almost anything to avoid the reality of what had happened. I blamed myself over and over and placed so much shame over myself. I let satan convince me that I was disgusting and undesirable and dirty and unworthy. I was convinced that I was unloveable and unworthy of the Lords love or that somehow He was mad at me. It wasn't until the pain and the depression became so unbearable that I finally reached out to a counselor who helped lead me to facing the reality in front of me.
I've faced a lot in my lifetime. I am a strong woman, I always have been. I am not one who fears much of anything and I daily pick up the armor of God and fight satan in my life, pulling down strongholds and using the power of the Lord to break chains. I am smart and capable and confident.. so being a victim? Nah, that wasn't going to fly with me. I refused to allow myself to be a victim. I HATED the fact that he made me a victim. For months I refused to cry or deal with it because I felt like that made me a victim and that somehow that made me weak. I had convinced myself that somehow, by letting it affect me or by hurting that he was winning. That he had taken something from me and that he had succeeded.
It wasn't until I finally reached out and told one of my best friends that she knocked down so many lies and revealed so much truth to me. It was then that she helped me to realize that my fight wasn't against this guy who had done this to me.
"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." - Ephesians 6:12
My real fight wasn't against this guy who had done this to me, it was against satan. HE was the real one who was fighting to destroy me. He was the real one who used this man to try to crush me and to break my spirit. He was the one that was doing anything and everything to keep me from walking out the incredible plan that the Lord had for my life. He was the one that I was really needing to fight.
I finally realized that there was a courage in facing my pain. There was a courage in accepting, embracing, and fully experiencing my pain. There was such a strength and courage in experiencing my pain, laying it down at the feet of the Lord and walking straight through it, with the Lord going before me and with an army of angels behind me. This whole time I numbed myself thinking that it would protect me when it actually did nothing but silence me, keep me secluded, and placed me in a position where all I was receiving were the lies satan fed me in my isolation instead of support, love, and powerful truth from the people in my life who love me and fight for me and even more importantly, kept me secluded from receiving the healing, the peace, the strength, and the fullness of the love and comfort of the Lord.
"You never said I wouldn't go through it, you just said I wouldn't be alone." -Andy Mineo
Not facing my pain or confronting what had happened to me was not coming from a place of strength and was not keeping me from being a victim.. it was making me a victim. Everything that I did to run away from it was slowly wrapping shackles around my wrists and my ankles and was enslaving me more and more.
When I realized that it wasn't my circumstances or a person that I was fighting but instead that it was satan, it changed everything. Not addressing my problems allowed satan to win, it allowed him to obtain a deeper stronghold in my life. Satan won every time I went numb or distracted myself because none of those things were running to God. None of things helped me to place my trust in God, it helped me to place trust in myself. (And Lord knows that never works haha)
Every time that I refused to let myself go numb or made an effort to face the reality before me, I was taking one step closer to Jesus and one step closer to healing and with each step, no matter how little or small, I was taking a step that was crushing satan under my feet and knocking off my shackles. Each step forward was one more way of telling him, "You've got no power over me. I am a child of God. I am God's, and I sure as heck am not yours."
I know myself and I know the areas in my life that satan uses to trap me. I've recognized and fought against it over the years, but I have learned that when I face serious pain and deep brokenness that satan leads me to dealing with it with guys. Fortunately for me and praise Jesus, but this time this caused me to not want a thing to do with men of any kind. When I finally got to a place of dealing with my pain with the Lord, I thought that I was good, that I had been through enough and that satan had already made his move, he wasn't coming after me anymore, I didn't need my guard up.
(I know some of you are laughing)
Well, man was I wrong.
Although I wasn't hanging out with or talking to guys or going out, i'd stay in and have wine nights with my roommates. Nothing crazy, just a glass and a movie. But little did I know, slowly I started to pour more and more each night. It wasn't until I realized that although I was by myself alone in my room and wasn't doing anything necessarily wrong, I was finishing a bottle of wine by myself almost every night for a couple of weeks. I may not have been dealing with my pain in the same ways as I had before or in as destructive of ways as usual, but satan had creeped in and led me to another avenue to distract myself from facing my pain and created a different avenue that allowed me to numb myself.
Listen to this, because this is important.
Out of all the things I have ever learned in my lifetime, the biggest lesson I have ever learned is this: When you are experiencing deep pain or you have gone through something unimaginable, STAY ALERT! Because believe it or not, THAT is when satan enslaves you the most. It's not when the event happens to you, or what you've gone through, or what someone has done to you that causes you to fall and to lose yourself and become someone you never wanted to be... it's the aftermath. It's the things we run to. It's the ways we deal with our pain. It's the ways we choose to cope with what has happened to us.
This world provides so many avenues and so many ways to temporarily distract ourselves or to give us moments of relief, but they NEVER LAST. It is so easy to get a taste of temporary relief and to keep running to these things over and over and more and more, anything to keep finding some kind of relief or distraction to the pain. But when we start reaching for avenues that provide us with quick and easy relief, we stop wanting to deal with our pain. We start becoming incapable of dealing with our pain. And we will keep running to the avenues that slowly and unknowingly start to enslave us and take us down walks of life that we never imagined we would go.
The way we decide to heal is SO IMPORTANT. And this isn't just for an assault, i'm talking about in any situation in life. When you think satan has hit you hard, you call on the Lord and you get your weapons out because your pain and your vulnerability is satan's favorite hunting ground to try and take a hold of your life and defeat you.
I'm not saying any of this to scare you, because trust me, the power of the Lord WAY outweighs any bit of power satan has and I promise you, you don't ever have to live in fear of him. But after years of going through some horrible things and dealing with things the hard way and the wrong way, thank God that He has taught me to recognize satan's battle plans and attempts within my life and revealed these things to me very quickly so that I could get rid of them and just cling to Jesus with everything I had.
After I noticed the places satan was defeating me, I decided to take a break from men and a break from alcohol and anything else I noticed that I started to find relief in that wasn't Jesus.
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It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been perfect. There have been a lot of hard days. And there still are. There have been a lot of triggers. There have been a lot of lies that i've had to rebuke and get rid of and there are a lot of promises the Lord has spoken and truth he tells us that I had to decide to trust when I could not see and had to choose to have faith in while I did not understand..
but through it all, He's never left my side..
through it all, He's grabbed my hand as i've looked forward unsure about whether or not I could face what was before me and He's looked at me and said, "I'm right here. You're not alone. Because I am going to do this with you. I've got you. We're going to do this together."
He continues to look at me and say, "Satan is a liar. Don't you know that what I say is true? The truth is that you are beautiful, you are desired, you are treasured, and you are so overwhelmingly and deeply loved by Me. Yes, I have seen what has happened to you. Yes I know the things you've done and the ways you've coped.. and I am still in such awe of who you are, my love. You and your ways are so beautiful to me and I am here! I am here to hold you, I am here to protect you, I am here to mourn with you. The things you've been through and the things that have happened to you do not define who you are, I do. While you have thought I was mad at you, I have been shedding tears over what has happened to you. I have been reaching out waiting to take your hand and heal your heart and give you the peace that only I can give you because I am here, love. And I love you with every ounce of my being. Give it to me.. let me carry the burden of your pain."
Healing in Jesus may not always seem quick.. and it definitely does not mean that you wont hurt or feel pain. You will hurt and you will feel pain. The only difference is that when we choose to face things with Jesus.. He gives us peace. He gives us the peace that we need in order to face what is in front of us. He gives us the hope that there are better things to come and He gives us the confidence that we WILL get through this. And the greatest and most important part about it all is that when we turn to Jesus in our midst of pain.. He provides healing and relief that is everlasting, that is whole, that is complete, that is lacking in nothing. One that does not destroy you or lead you astray. One that does not leave you feeling more broken than you did before. He provides relief that brings you peace, strength, and dignity. A relief that brings you joy and healing. One that satisfies every shattered piece of your heart so that it may be completely and fully healed. A day will come when you recognize that your heart has been refined in ways you never could’ve imagined.. but ultimately it will attest to and reveal the goodness, the glory and the righteousness of the Lord like you’ve never seen before.
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I know that there are so many of you out there that are broken and destroyed. There are so many of you who feel defeated and like you are no longer worthy. I know there are some of you who think this pain will never end or that you're not strong enough to face what’s in front of you but I PROMISE YOU, it WILL end. The pain WILL cease. Your heart may have some battle scars at the end of it all but it WILL be put back together, and you WILL be stronger to face another day. This pain and these circumstances will not last forever, and when we place our pain at the feet of Jesus and take His hand to face what is ahead, there will be a glorious day when you wake up and the heaviness is gone. There will be a day that you breathe in and smile and say, "I am okay." There will be a day that you fall to your knees in awe of Jesus because you cannot believe His goodness in what He has brought you through. There will be a day that you fall to your knees in awe of the glory that He revealed in the midst of such darkness and the ways that He will use you to bring healing into the lives of others.
For those who are reading this who specifically have experienced sexual assault or any form of sexual harassment I would just like to say that I am so sorry and that in NO way is anything that has happened to you ok or right. NOT A THING about this is your fault. I don't care what you were wearing, I don't care what you were doing. No matter what party you went to, if you had a drink, if you didn’t fight the person off, if you were dating the person, regardless of any other circumstance-it was not your fault. You were not responsible for this and you certainly did not deserve it.
"It’s important to be compassionate with yourself for whatever emotions you are experiencing. Beating yourself up for feeling the way that you do will likely only cause you to feel worse. You went through something that no one should have to endure and you are certainly not alone in struggling with the aftermath of trauma. Ultimately, you deserve to treat yourself with the same kindness that you would a loved one who had experienced trauma." -Jennifer Rollin
Please don't ever try to go through this alone, because you should never have to carry the weight of this by yourself. PLEASE, even for me, tell a friend, reach out to someone, talk to a counselor, talk to someone about what happened and what you're going through and surround yourself with people who will help to reveal the lies you've started to believe about yourself and the situation and who point you to the truth about who God says that you are.
Satan WILL try to deter you. One of the first people I told almost kept me from ever opening my mouth about it again. But thank God, He gave me the courage again to tell someone else who was looking out for my best interest.
Also remember that when you choose to numb yourself from the feelings of pain and depression, you're also numbing yourself from the feelings of joy and happiness. And I can tell you from experience.. numbing yourself like that may temporarily satisfy you as a solution.. but eventually you realize that without feelings, you're not you. Without feeling, you just exist and there are not many things in my life that have been more miserable than walking through life feeling nothing at all.
Don't let satan win.
Rise, and face what is in front of you.
Let go of all the things that you've been running to, let go of all the things that you've used to just get a moment of relief that have instead left you trapped and in more pain and run to Jesus! Run to Him guys! Lay it all at His feet and CHOOSE to trust Him, because although people have used and abused your body and your heart, HE will not. He is the one person in the entire world who will NEVER fail you. He is the one person who will ALWAYS protect your heart.
“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him. With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation.” Psalm 91:14-16
Run to Him guys.
He has always been and will continue to be my shining light, my beautifully crafted love, and my victorious healer in the midst of unimaginable darkness.
And He is ready to piece your heart back together one step at a time,
just like He did mine.
This topic has become something very important to me and the Lord has placed a desire on my heart to inform and protect those all around the world from acts of sexual assault and harassment. If you are ever interested or in need of someone to come speak about this topic, please do not hesitate to contact me. I would love to share my story or to be a part of educating, especially young people, about this topic.
