For those of you who follow this blog or are subscribed to it, you know that I always will try to keep it real with you, so here it is!

It's been 8 months since i've written to you guys and over the last 5 years of writing this blog, I haven't gone more than 3 months without writing.

This has absolutely killed me because my entire life, all i've ever wanted to do was to run after people's hearts and to point them back to the One thing that has put me back together time and time again. The one person who not only will do the same for them, but will also give them a FULL, ABUNDANT, and EXTRAORDINARY life.

But the biggest reason for my absence of writing was because of the fact that I haven't had much to say recently.

Because of a recent hardship in my life, I've struggled to get back to my full self and I've had a hard time writing to and encouraging you guys, when I found that I could barely encourage myself.

When the waves of life come and the pain hits, I refer to the aftermath as the recovery period. 

I am currently in the midst of one of the hardest "recovery periods" ( if you will) i've ever experienced after a painful event in my life.

Before, it felt like I would have some time of grieving and that I could quickly pick myself back up and sprint back to the Lord and to myself as fast as I could. Before, i've always fought satan back as hard as I could with the might and the strength that we're promised as children of the Lord. But this time was different.

This time my heart was weary and was tired before it broke again. This time, as i've been walking with the Lord through this recovery, it has felt less like a sprint and more like a slow crawl. (lol)

At first, I was ashamed of this! At first, I thought that I couldn't write to you guys because I was broken and although I was ok and knew that the waves do come but they also go and that this wasn't going to last forever.. I wasn't ok.

I was broken and hurt and I needed Jesus.. and although I was looking to Him and walking with Him, what I didn't realize and what I later discovered was that my pain and my brokenness wasn't instantly going to be fixed. It wasn't going to be fixed over night. It wasn't even going to be fixed in 3 months. It was going to take awhile, it was going to be a process. And it might be a long one. 

I've been blessed to have seen a lot of miraculous things in my life that not everyone gets to see. I've witnessed a lot of physical miracles and instant healings. I myself have had hands laid on me in prayer and have instantly been healed. I myself have gone through deliverance and speak in tongues and have felt instant relief.

But I think that sometimes, God doesn't call us for an instant healing. I think sometimes He calls us to walk through the pain a little longer than we're comfortable with. I think sometimes He calls us to grab His hand and to trust Him, even when it has pushed us past our point of patience.

(Peep the Israelites who had to roam the wilderness for 40 years before they were able to enter into the Promised Land)

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In this time of healing, I've not only discovered that it's ok for my healing to take some time, but I also discovered that it's ok to serve the Lord and at the same time not always be ok. 

These last couple of months, I have joy but I haven't had a ton of days feeling super joyful. I am filled and complete in Jesus but I still experience pain. I am loved and chosen yet I still can feel brokenness over past neglect of love. I am peaceful, but my heart still aches. My Spirit is strong, yet my body can feel so weak and defenseless. 

Do these things make me any less of a Christian? Heck no. Does it make me any less loved by the Lord? Definitely not.

I've learned that even when we're walking with the Lord and even when we look to Him for healing, it's not always going to be butterflies and rainbows. We're not always going to be joyful. We're not always going to shine at our brightest. We're not always going to be the definition of "the perfect Christian" because that is impossible and doesn't exist (Other than Jesus).

But that's ok!

Because although our healing might last a little longer than we care for and be slower than we expected, every day that we look to the Lord rather than this world, our heart is being pieced back together and our Spirit is being strengthened more and more.

"The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord;     he is their stronghold in time of trouble.  The Lord helps them and delivers them;     he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,     because they take refuge in him."

-Psalm 37: 39-40

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, our spirit is being renewed day by day."

-2 Corinthians 4:16

I've been a little defeated recently over the fact that I haven't felt like i've had enough joy and encouragement to write to you guys. I didn't realize it but i've always seemed to write to yall after I've finished the healing process or after I felt like I was back to my full self again. I don't think i've ever actually written to you guys in the midst of it or at this point of brokenness.

After praying a lot about this and asking the Lord to give me a reason to write to yall, it just so happens that in one week, i've been approached by 6 different people who i've never met, who stopped me to tell me how much this blog or my videos have meant to them or have encouraged them in their walk in the Lord. 

Now I definitely don't say that to toot my own horn because none of these things that I write are me, it's literally all the Lord so I absolutely can take no credit. Not only that but He's the one who has brought yall here to this page or to follow me for absolutely no reason so you would see/read them.

But I say that because I discovered that you can still be a light for the Lord in the midst of your pain. You can still point people back to the Lord even when you don't know what the Lord is doing with your trial or you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Even when you've been beaten down and feel like you can barely get back up, you know who your trust is in. Even when you don't fully feel like yourself or full of joy, you have this incredible opportunity to change lives by showing people in the midst of weakness where your strength comes from. 

I may not have much to say right now, and I may not have a big, miraculous story that I usually have for you. I may not have a flashy blog this time that gets you so hype to take satan down (don't you worry it's coming soon). I may not have a bunch of blessings and great stories to tell you about what the Lord is doing with this hardship in my life. 

But what I do know is that i've been called to speak to yall. And as a Christian i've been called to share the name of Jesus, even when literally nothing makes sense. 

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SO,

even in the midst of this slow and painful process where there is so much unknown..

what I do know is that we serve an incredible God.

This time in my life may be really hard and can still be pretty painful..

but what I do know is that Jesus has never left my side once this entire time.

Right now, i've been called to a time of healing and a time of trusting and all I know is that He has held my hand this entire time.

All I know is that my weeping lasts in the night but He always brings some kind of joy in the morning (Psalm 30).

All I know is that although I may not feel like myself and that i'm not able to be the most joyful or most intentional person in the room, I know that I will get back there and that He is preparing me for something so much greater than I could ever imagine. 

And He is doing the exact same thing for YOU. 

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I'm not sure what you've been through or what you're going through but I do know the One who holds your life in His hands, and I want you to know Him so desperately too. I want you to know that no matter what happens or where you've been, that you have a ridiculously awesome God who loves you deeply and is in complete awe of the person that you are! I want you to know that no matter what happens that He is always there and that you NEVER have to walk alone! I want you to know that you are renewed and redeemed every day and that He actively takes all your mistakes, all your pain, all your sorrows and He wipes them away!

It may not always be quick and it may not always be in the timing that we'd like it to be.. but we are children of the KING. We're not out here trying to fight FOR victory, we're coming from a place OF victory! We've already won. So although your pain and your suffering may seem like it's lasting forever or that it may never go away, I promise you it will.

"For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” -Deut. 20:4

 "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him. " James 1 :12

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

"The horse is made ready for the day of battle, but victory rests with the LORD." Proverbs 21:31

For some reason, the Lord has given me the opportunity to speak to so many of you. And not only that, but to have so many of you trust me or be interested in what I have to say. So if there is anything I want yall to trust or listen to, it is this:

Jesus Christ is the best thing to ever happen to me and I know without a doubt that He is the best thing to ever happen to you as well. My entire life has been filled with so many trials and so much heartache but no matter what there was always one constant my ENTIRE life, and that has been Jesus. In my life I have run to everything you could imagine, I have failed and I have fallen but there has always only been One thing that has completed me and made me whole and that is Jesus. I have been broken to my core and there is only One person who has provided complete healing and pieced my heart back together to the fullest extent and that is Jesus.

Don't stay away from Him, guys.

I may not know what He's doing right now in my life with this pain and I don't know what good will come from it yet, but even so, I know that it will be amazing. Because it always is.

He is always good. And he never fails me. He never leaves me or forsakes me. And He's not going to fail you either.