I Am A Witness
Today in church, at one point during the message, my awesome pastor said this,
“We're not called to be the defense attorney, we're called to be a witness."
This statement really stuck with me today and instead of sitting here today writing to you about what I believe and how wonderful Jesus is.. I'm just going to show you. I'm going to tell you what I've witnessed and let you draw your own conclusions.
Now, some of what I'm about to say is a little alarming or maybe even shocking. But if I'm going to share my testimony, I want to share it in full so that you can understand just how mightily God has worked in my life.
I was 4 years old when my parents got a divorce. My mom found out that my father had been cheating on her with multiple women and prostitutes. Because of this, she left him. Later on, it was revealed that this man that I called my father was an alcoholic, a drug addict, a sex addict, a master manipulator, and a pathological liar. Some people in their lives saw this coming, but between the lies and the manipulation, most people didn't notice it. After they got a divorce, my dad went on to marry a satanic woman (not a joke) who not only was one of the women he cheated with, but also for no reason at all, deeply hated my mother, my sister and I. My sister and I would spend weekends at their house while she did everything she could to traumatize us, children. My dad and step-mom were sick people and found immense pleasure in bringing about pain in the lives of the people around them. To them, it was like a game. I was very young and would beg my mom not to let us go with them to my dad's house, but no matter how much pain it caused her, there was nothing that she could do. My mom spent years in court trying to fight for full custody over my sister and me in order to get us away from two people who made it a sport to hurt us and bring us pain. Until then, most days at their house were spent locked in a room upstairs without food and water. In the times that the door was unlocked I would sneak downstairs to grab food and hide it in our room so that I could feed my sister and I. As we were locked upstairs, my dad and stepmom would be having what is known as "swinging parties" where multiple couples come over and you switch partners. When the dad that I loved and desperately wanted to be loved by actually did come around, it was only to try to get information about my mom that he could twist and use in court against her. There wasn't one time that he tried to talk to me or spend time with me unless he was trying to get something from it. When he did speak, he was incredibly amused by filling my head with lies about my mom in order to hurt her and really even hurt me. Each time though, I would find that none of them were true, and although I was happy to find out that what he would say wasn't true about my mom, it was yet another time that I desperately wanted to believe in my father and believe he was good, and again he wasn't. I watched them get up at 8 AM and pour a drink and keep filling up until 1 in the morning. When I didn't want to give information out to my dad about my mom, he and my stepmom would open up their safe, grab a gun, and hold it to my head until I answered. My stepmom continuously, even after having a court order that my sister and I were not allowed in a car with her, would put us in the car and drive with us while she was drunk and my sister and I were scared for our lives. One weekend we went to a ranch where my stepmom "accidentally" shot a gun and barely missed my sister. Instead, you could see the burn on her arm where the bullet barely missed and grazed her arm. There were multiple times where my step-mom tried to run my mom over with her car and even told the social worker that she would personally like to slit my mother's throat with a knife. When I came to my dad in desperate need, begging for him to protect us from our step-mom, he would lie and tell me he would take care of it. He would then proceed to tell her everything I had said to him and I can't begin to explain the wrath of her that would be put on me soon after and the threats that were made if I ever told anyone what was going on. My mom bought us cell phones to use in emergencies if we needed help. After spending a day at my dad's house, I would sneak downstairs to use it to call my mom and it wouldn't be working. It wouldn't take long to realize that the battery was always water damaged and the phone was no longer usable. We even bought a few hamsters as pets at their house. It was a mistake because we'd leave to go back to our moms' house, and when we returned, without fail, every pet was always dead. It is insane the number of demonic spirits and activity that consistently happened in that house. There wasn't a day in that house that I felt safe or loved.
Now, why am I telling you this? It's definitely not to make you feel sorry for me. It's not to get you to pity me. But now you know the facts, so let me tell you what else was going on during this time.
Growing up, my mom and my grandparents constantly poured the love of Jesus over me. They talked about Him, they shared about Him,.. they told me about His power and His love and how every time I was scared, that He would protect me. Now, keep in mind that I'm about 4-8 years old during this time.. I was scared for my life. But somehow, as a 6-year-old kid with a woman standing there threatening my life, out of nowhere God's presence would surround me and I no longer was afraid. Somehow I knew I was ok.. that Jesus was protecting me. There were three different moments in that home where I thought to myself.. this is it.. I'm going to die. Then I remembered everything my mom had taught me.. and all I called out was the word, "Jesus." And He came to my rescue. At 7 years old, sitting in a car with a drunk woman going 70 miles per hour, swerving into the lane next to us with cars driving in the opposite direction.. we were seconds away from smashing into the car in front of us. It was not possible to even swerve to miss this car in front of us, it was too late, we were going to hit it! ..And then I called out the name of Jesus.. and I do not kid you, the most powerful and overwhelming presence I've ever experienced showered over me. It was literally like the car was picked up and placed to the right side of the road .. and we were ok.
Also during this time, my mom met a guy named Bob. And Bob is one of my heroes. He fell in love with my mom and my sister and I and about a year later married my mom. He loved on us and stood there right next to my mom in court. Even while his money was quickly going down the drain due to attorney bills, he fought for 2 girls who he's only known for a short period of time and would not stop, even if he went broke for it. After years in court, my dad was getting sick of losing money. And to him, it definitely was not worth spending on my sister and I. So one day my dad sat my sister and I down and gave a grand speech about my mom sending him to jail.. And we believed him. We were devastated because even though he constantly lied and cheated and hurt us.. he was our dad. And every day we hoped and prayed that he would change and we didn't want anything bad to happen to him because we loved him. The next day he took us to our mom's house and I was so angry at her. It didn't take long to find out that my mom was definitely not sending him to jail, but that instead, having my sister and me in my dad's life was too much of an inconvenience for him, and that he was giving up full rights to both of us. Without saying goodbye or showing any kind of care, he walked right out the door and drove away. That was the last time I ever saw my biological father. And for years I couldn't shake the fact that my own flesh and blood had rejected me.. that the one person who was programmed to love me didn't want me.
After everything calmed down after the fact, God showed up again. I had just lost my father.. Not only that but I was tossed to the side and completely given up.. over money. It was then that Bob said the incredible words,
"I really love you guys, and if you girls are ok with it, I would really love to adopt you as your father."
And just like that, in the midst of one of the worst times of my life.. God brought us Bob. He later adopted us as his children and became our legal father. I don't know about you, but I can't name anyone who would do that for 2 girls who they had only known for the short period of time that he did. In the midst of the pain and the heartbreak.. God provided. Just like he always does.
After my dad left, I accumulated the highest level of asthma you can get and became very sick almost all of the time. Every week I had to receive allergy shots in order to be able to walk outside without my asthma closing up my lungs so that I couldn't breathe. In one year I had 14 sinus infections, and I can't begin to describe to you the number of times I went to the hospital. I went on to middle school and dealt with depression like you couldn't believe. I hated my biological father, and I made it my life goal to become nothing like him. Because of this, I became one of the worst perfectionists you've ever seen. I had anxiety attacks constantly because, in my mind, I couldn't mess up, I had to be good enough. And the only way to do that was to be the opposite of my father. I was under attack for 10 years of my life, most of it being spent worrying about what other people thought of me and trying to do everything perfectly. My junior year of high school, I thought that I was perfectly fine and had my life together.. until one day I was standing in the locker room.. and my dad found a way to contact me. It took three seconds reading the words on my screen for everything to break me. I started hyperventilating and took off running home in the middle of the school day. For 10 years I spent my life preparing for this moment, and all it took was 3 sentences to shatter me. After this, I fell into the deepest depression I've ever been in. I had been the "perfect Christian" my whole life and suddenly I became a girl I didn't even recognize. I started partying, I started drinking, I started making out with a bunch of random guys. My depression continued to get worse and I covered it all up with the millions of friends that I suddenly had because of all the decisions I was choosing to make and with anything else I could do distract myself from what I was feeling.. and even though I knew it wasn't, my life seemed ok. I completely stopped talking to Jesus and it wasn't long before my life fell apart even more.
My whole life I dreamed of making this specific cheer team. For those of you in the competitive cheer world, you know that there's always a team that you strive for and dream about that you may or may not ever be good enough to make. I worked so hard in order to get there and I had finally made it. It was the only thing in my life that I could hold on to. It wasn't 1 month into practices that I tore two muscles in my back. After that, I was out of any physical activity for months and I was miserable. Around the same time, all the "friends" I had gained, quickly disappeared and my name started popping up in the rumor mill. Rumors like you wouldn't believe haunted me for the rest of highschool.. I had nothing in my life that made me happy any longer, I was constantly fighting with my parents, I had no friends, I had no activity, I spent my time seeking the approval from people around me and trying to fulfill the emptiness in my heart from my dad with attention from guys, and yet there was no approval and there were no guys because no one wanted to do with the annoying, disgusting, ugly, ignorant girl that people saw me as (And I'm using nice words, those weren't even close to the things people said to me).
I will never forget the night I was laying on the floor in my room, literally feeling like satan and his demons were crushing me and pushing me down on the floor.. I didn't even have enough strength to get up. I had nothing good in my life, I was miserable, and I didn't want to live anymore. And I just laid there in agony and pain and with a heart shattered to pieces and it honestly felt like the devil was consuming me, that I was overpowered and that I was seconds away from giving up..
And then.. I remembered those words my mom shared with me years before.
And I called out the name of Jesus.
Suddenly that overwhelming, consuming and mighty presence showered over me once again.. It had been 3 months that I hadn't talked to him and yet, it took one word.. One cry and a mustard seed of faith and suddenly a covering of peace that I couldn't begin to describe fell over me. The weight on me lifted and then a still small voice in my spirit murmured the words,
"You are my treasure. I will always love you. Just the way you are."
That night, something in me changed. I wasn't alone. I wasn't garbage, I wasn't disgusting. I wasn't unlovable. Jesus Christ saw me the worst I've ever been... and He chose me. I was loved by Him.
It was 2 weeks later that I was invited to a bible study. Ironically, I was able to go to because I had torn the muscles in my back and no longer had cheer on Wednesday nights. I was surrounded by some of the most amazing and incredible people I have ever met and their faith and their fire for Jesus quickly shattered the small, tiny box that I placed God and His power in. It was there that I also met a boy who I later dated, and who's influence changed my life forever - for the best and the worst. We met and started talking, but it didn't take but a few days for him to become almost battered by others saying how terrible of a person I was and how disgusting I was and how he should get as far away from me as possible and have nothing to do with me. But for some reason.. he stayed. To this day, he's one of the only people in this world that truly knows everything about me.. and regardless, he still loved me. He saw my brokenness and my shame, and sin.. and he loved me. He showed me the love of God like I had never seen before. He talked to me about God and His incredible glory. He opened my eyes to the fact that we weren't created to live ordinary, miserable lives but instead that in Jesus Christ we always have victory! And that to the name of Jesus EVERY knee must bow down. Every sin, every demon, every thought, every person, EVERYTHING. His name is THAT powerful.
It was about a year later because of this that I went through something called deliverance, or what some people know as freedom, and although I had been baptized in water, I was then baptized in the Holy Spirit. Before this moment, I hadn't been healthy for a day in my life. I was always injured, I was always sick, I was always depressed, I had anxiety that no teenager should ever have or anyone for that matter! I was taking 14 pills a night for all of the sicknesses and depression I was dealing with. I had torn the muscles in my back for the second time, not even a week after I was released and still had 4 months of recovery before I could even begin to start physical activity. Not only that but the tear was so severe that I couldn't even get out of bed without muscle relaxers and hydrocodone.. I wasn't myself at all. I had just started to get sick once again and had giant bruises showing up all over my body that no one could explain. After visiting many doctors and 18 vials of blood drawn, I was told something that rocked my world.. I was given the news that I either had something called Lupus..
or I had cancer.
After hearing that, I didn't want to wait another second. The power of Jesus had been shared with me and if I had cancer, I would do anything to be healed and I immediately wanted to go through deliverance. I didn't care that I was hesitant before, I didn't care that I didn't believe it was possible before.. I needed a miracle. And Jesus could provide me with one.
I'm not kidding guys.. In one instant I was completely healed. I'm talking, HEALED. As hands were laid on me and I was prayed over, in an instant, my back was completely healed. After a lifelong pain in my back, my back was the strongest it's ever been and I haven't had an issue since. The next day I went to the physical therapist, and no one could explain how my back was perfectly ok. Many of them said it was "impossible." The next week, my tests came back, and somehow everything was perfectly normal, and I didn't have lupus or cancer, or anything. Ever since the bruises stopped showing up on my body.. and I was released from the spirit of sicknesses in my life forever. From that day forward, I didn't pick up any of the pills again. I was released from the spirit of depression and no longer dealt with any depression, no longer got sick and no longer felt the unbearable weight of satan on my shoulders. After having to use an inhaler for any kind of physical activity, I did not touch one again, and haven't since. As I was being prayed for, I took a breath in and I physically felt my lungs open up and for the first time I was able to take in a drastically larger amount of air than I ever had before. To this day, people will catch me smiling or sometimes even tearing up quietly to myself and when they ask why it's because I took a deep breath in and my lungs continue to take in an incredible amount of air that I never had the ability to before. Every breath I take is a reminder of how incredible Jesus is, that he loves me so much that even when I didn't in the slightest deserve to be loved or to be healed or to even experience His presence.. He was right there.. And He did.
To this day, I remember these moments.. these moments where everything seemed lost and like there was no hope for me.. And Jesus showed up.
When I wrote this testimony in 2015 I had pretty much stopped it here. I went on to explain some statistics and share more about the Lord's glory which you'll see at the end.. but unfortunately not before I cover the second half of my testimony. I thought the first years of my life were the hardest, but I had no idea that in 2014-2015 I was about to walk into the hardest 4 years of my life. And with that said, here is the rest of my story.
I fell in love with a man that I believed I was going to marry.
A man who I thought was selfless, bold, confident, feared the Lord, had a servants heart, cherished me, and spoke absolute life into me every day.
Looking back now I want to say that I regret ever being with him but I can't say that. The truth is that without him in my life I would have never come to know Jesus the way that I have.
Haha, kind of funny to say.
He and his family introduced me to the power of Jesus like I had never seen before. It absolutely rocked me. It's what started this blog. It's what started the fire in me to start speaking and pouring into other people. Those desires were always there before. My entire life all I've ever wanted to do was be right there with all of the people in the world who have suffered or are walking through suffering because that is something I KNOW and know well.. and I've never wanted anyone in the world to ever experience that alone. But I hadn't had the confidence before. I was very insecure.. I was very broken. And when he found me, I was defeated.
After seeing the demonic activity that I had seen as a child and feeling the Lord in the ways that I had, I was having a hard time connecting in a church that didn't speak about the might of the Lord and wasn't filled with the Spirit of the Lord.
Unfortunately, during this time, I had started to take on prosperity beliefs which I later learned was not of the Lord.
The day I started to learn this was the day that I said the words "I love you" for the first time in 10 years.
Growing up I didn't think I would ever love someone, in fact, the thought of marriage was something I couldn't stand. I was not a trusting person.. and I truly believed that pigs would fly before I would ever tell a man that I loved him. It physically made me sick to think about it.
Until this guy came around.
The guy who did all the right things. Said all the right things. Worshiped God at all the right times.
And he got me to say it.
“I love you.”
And the Lord knows that I truly wish I never did.
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Up until this point I had stayed "pure" and had not done physical things with guys. All of the sudden I was in love with the man of my dreams and when he pushed me, I didn't see anything wrong with it. It felt right. And he was a God-fearing man so surely this was ok. After dating for 5 months and really being mentored by some incredible, God-fearing people, I started to realize what the Lord said about purity and my heart started to change. Although we hadn't had sex we were still acting outside of the will of God. If we were going to conquer the world and preach to nations the way we had always talked about, then we needed to align ourselves with the Lord. The problem with introducing me to the Lord the way that he had was that I was on fire and I was in that word every day. Not only that but I had incredible mentors pouring into me who I openly spoke to. Up until this point, I was constantly being shown and told about what REAL, godly love looked like. I LOVED the Lord and the last thing I wanted to do was to be disobedient to what He had asked of me.
All this worked up to the day that we said I love you, and after that, everything changed. Suddenly I expected more out of this man of God who I was with. I wanted to honor the Lord with our relationship.
Funny thing is, I should've expected more from the beginning. (I truly hope you ladies (and gents) might learn that from this story instead of having to experience this on your own.)
Like I had said earlier this was the first person that I had been physical with, so it hit me hard when the first time I said no to moving past kissing and pulled away, that I was met with tears.
Oh yeah. You heard me correctly. Tears.
Tears of how much pain he was in. Tears of how much pain I was putting him in. Tears followed by telling me that "If I was going to kiss him like that, that it was my fault" that he got aroused and that I was putting him in horrible pain.. that I had to fix it.
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This was the first day my heart broke.
Some of you may be laughing at this story so far... but the worst part is that I believed him. I was young and inexperienced. I hadn't done anything before and I grew up in a home that didn't talk about sex so I'm looking at the man I love who is literally crying in "agonizing" pain in front of me and my heart literally broke..
Not only did my heart break because I thought that I was putting him in that much pain.. but because he was asking me to do something that put a wedge between the Lord and me.
My heart couldn't fathom the fact that I had put him in pain. I had been hurt so much in my life that the thought hurting other people literally made me sick. And he knew that.
He made me feel so horrible to do that to him, so I did the only thing I knew how to do. I went numb. And I did what I needed to do to fix the problem.
And that day... aw man. That was the beginning of a long, horrible journey and a terrible habit of numbing myself to the pain of my heartbreak and disappointment.
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Things pretty much started to get worse after this. I had told this guy literally everything about me. Every fear, every insecurity. He knew every way to hurt me. He knew every way to take advantage of my heart for him. And even worse he knew every way that my dad manipulated me. And he did it all.
A couple of things has happened during this time. I was pretty much convinced to isolate myself from my friends and family. But luckily, not the church. I was pressing into my relationship with the Lord more than I ever had before. There were so many days that I had told him before hanging out that I didn't want to be physical with him and he would tell me that the Lord spoke to him or showed him a dream or gave him a vision or something that convinced him of the same thing. Yet the minute we started kissing, he'd push me. So I'd stop. But after being met with tears and shame.. I started to believe him. I really believed it was my fault. It happened so many times that it started becoming natural to just go numb and just get it over with.
One day I had enough. After reaching out to mentors and leaders, I was convinced that if he kept pushing me like that, no matter how he spun it or how many times that he used the name of the Lord that this was not of the Lord. So one day I stopped things. And this time when he cried, I held firm.
And that's when the anger started.
I will never forget the day that I was hanging out with him and his little brother and as we were about to get out of the car to hang out at my house, I stopped and flashed him a smile and gave him a quick peck. Not a kiss, a peck. His younger little brother was literally right there so I wasn't going to make out with him or something. His brother and I got out of the car and walked up to the house and when we got to the door we realized that he was still in the car and hadn't gotten out. I told his brother to head inside and play with our dogs who he adored. I then walked up to the car and knocked on the window. And there he sat. Jaw clenched. A face full of disgust, ignoring my knock and staring forward. My heart dropped. I knew where this was going.
I opened the door and complete disgust covered his face. I don't know about you but watching someone you love act like they're so disgusted and disappointed in you that they can't even look at you is pretty horrible. I asked him what was wrong and after a long pause, with even more disgust, he looked down at his boner (which shouldn't be possible because it was literally a peck), looked me dead in the eye with anger like I had never seen from him before and said, "You should know since YOU f****** did this to me! You better f****** get over here and finish what you f****** started!"
That should've been enough for me to leave him... but unfortunately, it wasn't. I had isolated myself from a lot of people. I had just gone to college so I didn't know anyone well enough so I wasn't talking to anyone about our relationship. He was so good with his words. He'd apologize and say and do all the right things and that it would never happen again. That the Lord changed his heart or that He really spoke to him. Honestly, now I can see the parallel with my dad. I loved this guy. I wanted to believe so badly that he meant what he said. His actions and his words literally never aligned in any way and yet, I just desperately wanted to believe him. And I desperately wanted to be loved by him.
There were two instances leading up to the point that the person I was just shattered and disappeared for a long time.
The first was the first date that we went on after I had gotten to college. It had been 4 weeks since I had seen him and it was probably the longest we had gone without seeing one another. The anger happened right before I left, but in the weeks leading up to this, everything he said was just perfect. "I've been experiencing the Lord like I never have before." "Sydney, I will never pressure you again. I want the same things that you do, I've been talking to the Lord and I want a pure relationship just as much as you do." "I can't wait to see you and honor you. The Lord has just completely changed my heart."
I believed it all. It had been so long and I missed him so much. He seemed like the guy I fell in love with again and I just could not contain my excitement. He was coming in town to take me on a date and I was literally so freaking excited to see this man that I adored! I skipped all my classes that day, I literally started getting ready at like 9AM that morning and was dancing and singing and counting down the hours until I got to see him.
Finally, it was time and skipped down the stairs with a giant smile on my face. I hopped in his car and looked at him and my heart just melted, I was so happy. Honestly, that moment was the happiest I would be for a while. He kissed me and I was on cloud nine as I hugged onto him and we made our way to my favorite restaurant in Waco. You can imagine that I'm just beaming and can barely contain my joy.
But it didn't last long.
Two minutes into the conversation.. 2 MINUTES.. he brought up rush. To give you some background, at this point he had started telling me all the things he couldn't stand about me and what I could and could not do. I wasn't allowed to wear red lipstick (now yall know why I never wore anything but red lipstick in college) or leggings without a long shirt because it "made me look too sexy." I never heard the end of how much he hated that I cheered on a coed team. Even though I had worked my entire life to cheer in college and to make the coed team - a team I had dreamed about since I was a kid - I could never celebrate it because he always put it down and made me somehow feel like a flirt or a slut for being on that team. And then, I couldn't rush.. because it was "satanic" and I "would cheat on him and make out with all of the guys" and so much more.
The first question he asked me once we sat down was if I was going to rush. I wanted to say yes but instead, I said I wasn't sure. And that was it. The most disgusted face you have ever seen in your life appeared on his face.. and it never left. He wouldn't look me at me. Not once. He wouldn't look me in the eye. He wouldn't speak to me, only the waitress. And he ignored every word I said.
My heart shattered. I was so excited to see him and kiss him and talk with him and spend time with him.. and I went from feeling like the most special and amazing thing he's ever seen to the most disgusting, appalling piece of dirt on the planet. I sat there shattered and pulled back into my numbness.. my heart just couldn't take it. And he knew it. He knew my heart for people. He knew how much it hurt me. And he didn't care.
I didn't fully realize how bad it was until I got up and went to the bathroom and when I turned the corner, the waitress stopped me to ask me if I was ok and if she needed to call someone for me.
I pretended to laugh and made an excuse and walked into the bathroom. I lost it. But I pulled it together and walked back out. He didn't say another word at dinner. He was my ride so he got up and I just followed him to the car. I should've called one of my new friends but I just didn't know anyone well enough yet and didn't think they'd understand. The plan was to go back to someone's place that he knew who was out of town for the weekend to watch a movie. I asked him if he could take me back to my dorm and he ignored me and stared straight forward. We got the place and he threw the keys on the table, sat on the couch, and stared straight forward, jaw clenched, and completely ignoring and refusing to acknowledge my presence. I stood by the door emotionless until I finally sat down next to him. I kept trying to get him to talk to me.. but nothing. Just disgust. I figured I'd try to kiss him and all of the sudden as I went in, his eyes softened and he finally looked at me. He kissed me back and pulled me close and all of the sudden I felt desired again. We kissed for a minute or two and it started to get heated so I started to push away...
Immediately his arms let go of me.. his eyes darted away from me.. the delight on his face immediately traded for disgust, he practically shoved me aside like I was nothing and went back to staring straight forward, ignoring me and acting like I was more disgusting than the trash on the floor..
In this moment, I lost a piece of me. I beat myself up over this moment for a really long time. I loved him. And I was desperate. The disgust was so agonizing that I literally was desperate for anything from him but that. My heart was so excited to see him and be enjoyed by him and I just couldn't take it. In this moment I made a decision.. I numbed every part of me. I closed my eyes. I knew the only way he would give me that adoration was if I hooked up with him.
I put on a face for as long as I could and I got it over with.
The minute it was over I rolled over in a ball towards the wall and I was just nothing.. I felt nothing. He started getting mad. He started getting angry and telling me that I was making him feel bad and "how could I act like that." "I didn't put a gun to your head, you made your own decisions, you could've said no." "Don't you dare roll over and act disgusted with me when you're the one to f****** blame for this."
...this was the day that I realized that no matter what he tried to say or spin or no matter how many times he told me all the reasons that the Lord wanted us together that I had not done a single thing wrong in this situation and that this was absolutely not the man I was supposed to be with.
I spent 9 more months trying to get away from him. Trying not to love him anymore. I cut off contact for a good period of time. Blocked him on everything. Unfortunately, we had emailed before but I didn't know how to block that.
Let me be clear before I continue. I had had my own slips ups and moments of loneliness and going back to him before this. But at this point, we hadn't talked for 5 months and I was doing everything I could to move on.
One day at the very beginning of my sophomore year, I got an email that he wanted to apologize and what do you know... I believed him. At this point I always wanted to believe the good in people and that they changed. Honestly, I think I believed this because deep down I wanted to believe that one day my father would change. When he reached out to me he told me about how much the Lord had been doing in his life and how he wanted to take me on a date. I remember being at one of my best friends houses at the time with her roommates when I got the message. I started hyperventilating and started shaking. That had never happened before. I remember them asking me why I was freaking out because they knew how much I cared about him. I remember saying through tears, "I don't know, just every time I'm with him I feel like something bad happens or something happens that I don't want to do."
Clearly, that should've been my clue to literally never see him again. But he had always gotten onto me for "following Jesus in every way except for forgiving people" whenever I was mad at him. So all I could think was that if he was trying to apologize that I somehow owed it to him to go.
Long story short, he told me everything I wanted to hear. He told me everything I wanted to hear about the Lord, about his future, about all of the things he was doing to accomplish his dreams (which he had never done before so it seemed like things were changing)... and for a moment, I couldn't help but wonder if he really had changed.. if I had gotten the love of my life back.
After dinner, he took me to my favorite place at Baylor by the river. He parked and turned on worship music. It honestly makes me sick thinking about it again because I honestly thought that the Holy Spirit was there.. and he just kept talking. About how much he loved me. How much the Lord had moved in him. How much he loved the Lord... and how the Lord changed his heart.. that he didn't want to be physical anymore and wanted to honor me.. that he would never push me again.
Lol. You'd think I'd know better by now. But what do ya know? I was ignorant. I was broken. I wanted to believe he was good. So I believed him.
We worshiped in the car that night. I was sobbing. I was sobbing because I had been willing to give up the love of my life because I felt like the Lord had asked me to.. and in this moment.. I somehow thought that the Lord was giving him back to me because of my obedience... I thought that I had the love of my life back.
I was overwhelmed with joy and didn't want the night to end. I was giddy and excited and my heart was beaming. We went back to my place and he helped me do my dishes and was just doing all of this stuff to "serve" me.
He asked me if I wanted to watch a movie and I paused. We had come back to an empty house but my roommates were about to be home, all of which hated him so I knew we couldn't stay downstairs around them because "they wouldn't understand that he's changed." This meant that we would need to go to my room. And sit on my bed. But then again, he just told me how much he didn't want to be physical, how much he wanted to honor the Lord in that way.. so that should be fine right?
I thought it was. Unfortunately, I still trusted him.
I had to be up for morning workouts the next day so after watching a movie for an hour I needed to sleep. He asked if I would mind if he spent the night and I hesitated but then thought, "well nothing's going to happen since we're on the same page now about our purity so this is totally fine. My friends have their boyfriends stay over all the time."
We laid down and I rolled over.
He pulled me back and went in to kiss me and I kissed him back for a moment.. until he started to press in and I immediately pulled back.
The last thing I said before we went to sleep that night was me getting mad and sternly saying, 'Do NOT mess me up!"
He threw his hands in the air and said "okay okay" while he chuckled and rolled over to the other side of the bed.
At this point in time, I was a pretty deep sleeper. It takes me a lot to wake up now but before that night/morning.. it took a lot more.
At 4 in the morning, I was woken up to someone on top of me, kissing my neck and trying to stimulate me. When I finally woke up and came to I woke up to see all of his business out and ready to go and honestly...
my heart shattered.
.. I thought he was someone he wasn't.. I had been convinced that this was a man that loved me.. that was going to protect me.. and not only my heart but my virginity which I had fought so hard for!
My heart shattered so deeply, my heart was in so much pain that I literally could not handle it and again I went numb.
A minute later it was over.
This was the first time I had ever had sex.
I got up. I walked to the bathroom. I shut the door and threw up. I opened it and walked passed my sink and in the mirror, I saw the purity ring on my finger.. and I couldn't numb myself anymore. I broke completely. Sydney was no longer there. My body started violently shaking. I got to the bed and started hyperventilating and rocking and shaking and literally couldn't even cry I was so broken and shattered I just couldn't stop shaking and couldn't breathe. He was begging me to stop and begging me to talk to him and to speak to him.. but I couldn't, I couldn't move. And quite honestly, for the first time, I just didn't give a flying flip about him and what he was feeling. My final breaking point was when he put his tried to wrap his arms around me to stop me from shaking and then.. began to PRAY for FORGIVENESS.. over me.
About an hour went by and I calmed down and realized I had to get to practice. I could barely handle what just happened but I went to Baylor for goodness sake. None of my friends had ever had sex and at that point, most of them hadn't even kissed a boy so I wasn't about to tell anyone. So instead I went numb. I put on my cheerleader face, I smiled and acted like I was tired and I faked it till I made it and could get back into bed.
I didn't know a thing about pregnancy so I automatically assumed I was pregnant. I woke up every morning remembering everything that happened in that bed and threw up every day for 3 straight weeks. I had so much anxiety that I might be having his child that it literally caused my body to be 2 and a half weeks late. Once it came, that was the end of us.
My depression overwhelmed me. The pain overwhelmed me. I didn't tell anyone.
I was the faith blogger. I had just hit 100,000 views. People counted on me. I was the Baylor Cheerleader. The girl that always showed up on the TV screen. The girl people came to about the Lord. I was Sydney Pritchard, whatever the heck that meant.
I couldn't just fall apart, especially since no one knew what was wrong. So I put on a show. Until I couldn't. I found enough strength to get out of bed for practice. But other than that I couldn't. I went from a 4.0 to not being able to care about anything enough to get to my classes. Pain overwhelmed me so much that this was all I could think about. My grades got so low I almost had to drop out of Baylor.
Out of respect for his family, I've kept out a lot and am not going to say anything else other than this.
He wouldn't go away. He'd show up at Baylor. Come to the only bar there that we all hung out at and would come to me and say things like "no one will ever love you like I do" "you're never going to find anything like we have" "I'm the best thing that's ever happened to you, no one is going to love you."
He started getting drunk and getting angry and leaving me voice messages saying horrible, awful things.. and I listened. And I took it in. I wanted every reason not to ever go back to him.
After receiving text after text and call after call, I finally had it and I was depressed and desperate and did something completely stupid. But honestly.. at the time it seemed like my only way out. Our whole relationship he had told me that he would never ever leave me. BUT if I ever cheated on him.. he said that he would never look back.
We were absolutely not together. But after phone call after phone call and text after text, and showing up at Baylor and finally sending anonymous flowers that the company tracked to his credit card.. I couldn't do it anymore.
The only person who I had told was someone I considered to be one of my best friends at the time. He had pursued me at this point for a while but I also turned down his advances and he respected that and made it clear that he just wanted to be a part of my life, even if it was just as a friend. I told him what happened.. and almost every day he came over after practice and just held me. And talked to me. And was just there. He never once tried to kiss me, never once tried anything at all.. he was just there. For that, I will forever be grateful. I was straight up stupid to not only lean on another guy for healing but not to tell anyone else, or any of the people who loved me who could've poured into me.
But it wouldn't end. I was so broken and literally just so desperately wanted it all to end and be over with and for the guy I had loved to just go away and leave me alone and for some awful, horrible reason.. it made sense in my mind to get with this other guy. I truly thought that it was the only way to get rid of the guy I had once loved and who just would not stop tearing me apart. So I did it. And quite honestly it just made things worse. (Go figure).
Going into everything that happened after this just honestly might be too painful for me to talk about. The highlights are that I drank my pain away for a while. And during that time I made decisions that I will regret for the rest of my life. Luckily, like always, the Lord didn't give up on me. In fact, he surrounded me. He placed incredible friends in my life. He restored my relationship with my parents, and he gave me a team for years that loved on me and poured into me and protected me.
I never did deal with the pain that I continued to bury though.
I've always been incredibly strong but I can tell you that there is such thing as being too strong. So even though the Lord had grabbed a hold of my heart once again, that un-dealt with pain and insecurity started to arise in my relationships from that point on. The nice way to say it is that I just really attracted some not so great people. I was cheated on and lied to in every relationship from that point on. Each relationship I started from that point was not healthy in any way. I finally gave up on dating in 2017. I was kind of healing and wasn't partying as much pretty much living a lukewarm life. At that point, I was still escaping through going out with my friends. Towards the end of 2017, my final breaking point was when I was out with one of my really good friends one night and he drugged and raped me.
Honestly, at that point I think I was so broken that I just couldn't break anymore. Not only that but I had very clearly recognized just how under attack I was by satan, and if there's one person I've fought against my whole life and I refuse to lose to, it's him. I was PISSED. And I was sick and tired of satan screwing with my life. That was the day I started to recognize myself again because I finally started to get my fight back.
Thankfully, I just couldn't do it on my own anymore and finally went to start talking to a counselor. I finally told my best friend whose sister had been through the same thing and she walked with me every step of the way. Luckily, that last incident just sent me in the opposite direction of where I was going before. I stopped drinking, I stopped going out and I dropped every guy in my life. The waves seemed so high that I honestly couldn't past them. I had no idea how I would ever make it back to a life without pain and horror and trauma.. but I knew God. I knew Him. I knew how He operated. I had walked with Him and I knew that He was faithful. And I knew that I had been so far out of His favor for so long that I didn't want to be near anyone or anything that would take me farther away from it.
I knew that in the past when I had chosen to believe in the Lord, when I chose to believe that what He said was true, He NEVER let me down.
After the last incident, I got home and fell to my floor. I closed my eyes to hold back tears and when I opened them, my eyesight fell straight in line with the bible under my bed. For a moment I felt the Lord tug on my heart and nudge me to open it. I grabbed it and opened it the first verse my eyes fell to was Jeremiah 29:11,
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I doubted SO many things at that point.. but that night I cried out for Jesus like I never had before.. and He was there. He was right there. I asked Him to hold me and He held me. I asked Him to sit with me that whole night that I cried and His presence never left my side. I will never forget telling Him that I could not do it.. I was too broken and too shattered and didn't have enough faith to hold on and to make it through.. that if He truly did want me to have peace and walk into a better future and if He truly wanted to hold my heart and heal it completely.. that He had to give me the faith. He had to give me the strength. He had to give me the might.. because I had nothing left.
It has been a long road.
Truly just the longest road.
I know what it looks like to prosper but I also know what it's like to break..
Over and over.
In 22 years of life, I can say that I've learned more than I had ever cared to. I'd be lying if I said that this healing process hasn't taken and still continues to take a very long time. But through it all, I've learned two very important things, and that is this:
First, life is truly hard. It is full of hills and valleys. We're not guaranteed an easy life. The waves will come. Satan will attack at some point.
BUT
The second thing I KNOW is this: The one.. the ONLY constant through it all.. is Jesus Christ.
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We all know that life throws curveballs at each and every one of us. I sit here with tears streaming onto my computer in awe of the Lord because we have this wonderful, beautiful, precious Savior who not only loves and adores us.. but NEVER let's us go.
He is our ANCHOR that never moves. He our HOPE that never fails. He is the one person that has held me, walked with me, loved me, and constantly fought for my heart in the midst of the darkest and most horrific moments of my life.
He NEVER made me go through it alone.
This beautiful, wonderful Savior took a girl who was told for almost 20 years just how unloved and unworthy she was and He said, "No satan. That is my precious daughter and you will not have the final word here."
This past year has been so hard but at the same time has been SO incredible. I went on to graduate college (WOOHOO SIC EM BEARS). I got a job with the most incredible nonprofit organization with the most INCREDIBLE people who truly love me and know me and walk with me. The Lord has been so darn faithful in just continuously pulling down stronghold after stronghold and knocking down wall after wall in my life. This time hasn't been the most comfortable for me ever. I'm someone who likes to do big things and chase big dreams and the Lord honestly just blessed me in the way that He put just the right things on hold to provide me with a lot of "non-eventful" time, that allowed me to heal in the way that I needed to.
And honestly..
I'm really happy.
And for the first time in years... I'm completely filled with joy..
so. much. JOY.
This stuff still hurts, I'm not even going to pretend that I didn't sob my way through this entire blog.
But I'm ok. Those horrible things, as well as my mistakes, do not define me.
God does.
All of these things in my life have tried to convince me of the lies that I am broken, rejected, unloved, unwanted,
I can say with complete confidence that there have been multiple times in my life where Jesus was the only thing that got me through or kept me going. He is truly the only reason that I'm alive.
My parents and I were told when I was a child that I shouldn't have made it to where I am today. Almost every statistic and counselor told us that I should be overwhelmed with depression and anxiety and on multiple medications. That I should have dropped out of high school and have been hooked on drugs. That I should be addicted to sex and have multiple STDs right now. That I should be pregnant and either a teen mom or have committed suicide... And instead, I'm here. I went on to graduate high school, and to have achieved many skills in cheerleading that I never would be able to do without God's power. I am now a college cheerleader at Baylor University (the greatest school ever) where I have a 3.5 GPA and am going into my second year of college as a Junior. I was the only first-year student who applied to the school of Social Work and got in. I am the happiest I've ever been and have continued to be and have run after Jesus and His incredible, and beautiful heart and because of Him, I have achieved things I never even dreamed of. And I have felt LOVE that I didn't even know was possible.
I AM A WITNESS.
I have seen God's grace and power work mightily in a life and in a sinner that never deserved any of it. None of it. I don't tell this to you so that you can think anything of me at all. I'm telling you this, because it if wasn't for Jesus, I would be just another number on that list of statistics of girls who grew up the way I did. I owe everything in my life to Him! Because I literally would not have had or achieved any single bit of it without Him. He is my rock and my salvation, and all of my glory comes from Him. And throughout my whole life.. He is the ONE person that has been there with me, right by my side, through EVERYTHING. Now my life isn't perfect. I'm definitely not perfect. I am still a sinner and I still need Jesus every day. I have not "arrived" nor will I, but I will continue to run after Jesus.
So this message is not about being Jesus' defense attorney... but instead about what I have witnessed in my life. I am living proof that God is not only amazing, but that He heals the sick, delivers the afflicted, casts out demons, performs miracles, and fights for us even when we want nothing to do with Him. I am living proof that He makes the worst situations absolutely beautiful. And with full confidence, I can say that I would be absolutely nothing without Him. People often ask me why I am so open about the Lord.. but after the things He has done in my life and the miracles that He has blessed me with, I could not stand holding that amazing news of Jesus Christ back and not sharing it with the people around me.. Because Jesus is right there, right next to you ready to be that in your life too! All you've got to do is call on His name. He'll show up.
I love you, Jesus!
